My ex-husband was an excessive drinker and when I could no longer tolerate abuse, and embarrassment, I divorced him. I took no support; we shared custody. I stayed friends for my children’s sake.

My daughter, 42, never forgave me for divorcing. I’ve been an excellent mother, paid her way through school until her last year when I was financially strapped.

I’ve loved her and been there through her every crisis. She married a divorced man, raised his children, helped pay their education, and suffered years of his ex-wife’s abuse.

Her husband’s now disabled, she’s the breadwinner, and his kids have written her off. Her life is hell. She’s brilliant and beautiful but this is the life she’s chosen. She smokes a lot of marijuana, is very moody, and controlling.
Lately, she’s barely spoken to me, and for no reason. On Mother's Day, she was sick and also busy with work, but wanted to get together this past weekend.

I never heard from her and cried all day. Finally, I asked her why, and learned she’d been partying at her dad's house and left a gift for me there. She never called to see if I’d be there. I was really hurt. My son said she just doesn't like me.

Her father had said I’d be at his house - he lied. I can't disown him because it’ll cut off my contact with my grandson.

I’m 65, financially well off, and love my daughter but am ready to give up on her. Before this, we had a fairly good relationship.

Devastated Mom

Your daughter, like you, accepted hard responsibilities for children’s sakes. Perhaps she feels you judge her too harshly for her choices, when they’re reflective (and likely admiring) of your own married life when she was growing up.

You also chose to stay connected to her father. You already know that his character (drinking, lies) is problematic. So it’s wise to check with your daughter when anything’s not feeling right, rather than assume she’s neglected you.

Along with her other burdens, she’s been put in the position of divided loyalties for years. Her brother has his own agenda, saying she doesn’t like you.

Cut her some slack and show her the love you feel, and both need.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who feels her husband of three years spends too much money on his adult kids (May 16):

Reader – “Wanting a Real Marital Home” is, in fact, a kept woman, much like the daughters of her husband that she takes issue with.

“As much as she pretends wanting a 50/50 equitable relationship, he pays rent (20% of his net salary) which she uses to pay ALL of their living expenses and even has a little extra left over for herself.

“This means she makes no current financial contribution to her living arrangement whatsoever (her income from the sublet apartment and her occasional contract work would all be disposable).

“Since she’s obviously unwilling to use her extra income to hire anybody to do housework, it’s reasonable that she’s responsible for the maintenance, cooking and cleaning, while he works full time to provide for her and his family.

“What he does with the remaining 80% of his salary is at his discretion….

“This isn’t even really about the money he’s putting into the house, or relationship, but jealousy over the money that’s directed outside the relationship to his daughters.”

ELLIE - Thanks for your thoughtful analysis. It supports my suggestion that, given their new phase of life, they get “objective financial advice.”

My brother-in-law left his feral cat with his parents ten years ago with the understanding he’d eventually retrieve it.

The cat was somewhat affectionate (tolerant) with the parents. Last year, the 18-year-old cat attacked my mother-in-law, 80, who required antibiotics for months.

Her son still didn’t take responsibility for the cat despite family members encouraging this.

The cat recently left puncture wounds in my MIL's wrist. Following my husband’s urgings, his brother gave his parents’ permission to do as they liked with the cat.

They’re reluctant to put it down, feeling that it’s his. The cat’s now unmanageable and attacks if cornered.

Nobody will tell “baby brother,” age 44, that he must get his cat!

Tired of Pussy Footing! 

Solution: Family members find a safe way to transfer the cat to its owner, away from his parents’ home. If it’s returned, your husband asks the Humane Society to deal with both brother and cat.