My husband of three years is 27; I'm 34. Two months into our relationship, he stopped seeking sex from me, though we both find each other very attractive, and love each other.
We hug and kiss, but there’s zero passion from him. I’ve talked to him, bought (sex) toys, educational videos, lingerie, and done online research. He’s always saying he’ll do what we’ve agreed.
I explain that I need sex and can’t always initiate as it's affecting me emotionally.
He's not having an affair, nor is he homosexual.
Our sex is crap when it finally occurs – twice in three months if I’m lucky! He fumbles in bed, though I’ve shown and said what I want.
He only had two girlfriends before me. I don't know what else to do! We also want to start a family soon!
Deep down, it feels like it’s my “fault” - am I not pretty or young enough?
Don’t start a family with this man from whom you’re very likely to end up divorced, or miserable together, neither of which are great beginnings for children’s lives.
He’s a crappy partner, not just in bed. He’s in denial about something – whether it’s his sexuality, past abuse, childhood trauma, or a medical obstacle to healthy sexual responses.
INSIST he see a doctor, an individual therapist, and if you two are to work at this together, a sex therapist too.
If nothing changes, save yourself. The damage to your self-esteem and security will only worsen, as you get older.
Boosting your emotional well being, and hopefully his too, is the priority.
For two years we’ve suffered daily sounds of our neighbours and their kids running up and down the stairs in their adjoining townhome, slamming doors, playing ball, etc. It’s L-O-U-D.
They make our walls shake, mirrors/artwork/stove move daily. I had to go next door one evening as my husband was trying to sleep but the banging noise continued for several hours.
The mother answered the door, and I saw some four children bouncing balls against the shared wall. She immediately apologized – “It’s driving me crazy too!” Thirty minutes later, the noise stopped.
Several months later, we wrote a letter, about the noises, asking them to call or come over for a coffee to discuss it. Nothing. They stopped looking at us when we passed by.
They also have a basketball net alongside of our driveway. I’ve seen their son, eight, hit cars with the basketball and he once hit my car as I was sitting in it.
Sometimes their hockey net or bicycles block our driveway’s access.
I’ve resorted to banging on the walls. They bang back and continue their noisy lifestyle indoors, though there are several parks nearby.
I’ve received no direction from bi-law officers, or the condo corporation.
We’re renting in the hopes to buy next year, but do I need to move beforehand?
The simplest answer may be Yes, move, it’ll return your sanity.
You could explore the bi-law, or condo-rules routes more thoroughly, with a lawyer’s help. But you’ll likely have an even more unpleasant chill between you and these neighbours. If you can handle that, it’s the only way to stay.
The mother seems overwhelmed by her own youngsters and their energies. She may be depressed or just a hands-off, casual mom who believes play is more important than respect for others’ and property boundaries.
You’re not likely to change them. Move, if possible. Less stress and more sleep are worth the effort.
FEEDBACK Regarding the single parent with little “alone” time and difficulty finding time to meet other adults (July 19):
Reader - "Lonely Mom," should try meetup.com. There are many groups for single parents, many of which involve single parents getting together with each other and their kids. I wouldn't go alone, but she could always see who is planning to attend to make sure she feels safe.
“I’ve joined other meet-up groups and found them enjoyable. Some are about dating (e.g. speed dating events, dances, seminars, etc.) but most aren't.”
Reader #2 – “My suggestion for the lonely single mom who’d like some help with her young daughter so that she can have time with adult company: Big Sisters.”
Ellie - Big Brothers Big Sisters is a charitable organization, which matches adult volunteers to children needing adult mentoring.
There are member agencies across Canada and the United States, found through an online search by local area.
Tip of the day:
If sexual disinterest creates emotional distress, get pro-active to find out why.