I’ve recently acquired an incredible job, requiring me to move to another city where my boyfriend of three years lives.
I’ve been commuting to see him on a weekly basis throughout our entire relationship (40 minutes drive one way).
He only has a part time job and is nervous about the finances of moving out from his parents.
But he also does a lot of regular freelance work, which pays well ($25+ per hour). He has a large amount of savings.
His parents seem very over-bearing, which seems to cloud his decision-making.
I’m getting a place, and I’d love to have him move in with me. I gave him the option of only paying for food, while I handle all the other bills (which I’d be doing anyways). He still seems nervous.
He’s constantly talking about moving in with me, but its just talk.
His mother does his laundry, cooks him three meals a day, cleans up after him, etc.
So I think he’s just comfortable in his bubble.
Is there any way I can convince him that the move would be a step in the right direction, considering that he’s a college graduate, and also in a healthy serious relationship?
Eager to Co-habit
He may be over-coddled. Or, too proud to accept living off your support.
Stop pushing the idea. Move, and see how the relationship works when you’re able to see each other more frequently.
Don’t “blame” his parents or assume that they’re holding him back.
Once you live in the same city, you’ll learn more about his nature. Perhaps he’s keeping his savings for a bigger purpose like buying a house. Or, he’s just not as ready for this next phase of the relationship, as you want.
I’m needing advice on how to cope with living with a "hoarder," who’s the son of "hoarders," who were nevertheless very lovely people (since passed away).
I've tried family intervention, plus couples’ therapy for financial difficulties and the "hoarding" problem.
But although the hoarding was previously limited to the garage and basement, it’s crept into other parts of the house. It continues to be a very contentious issue in our 27-year marriage.
As a "senior," I'm lacking the strength it takes to deal with this.
I fear that the burden of dealing with it will be left to my children, which happened when my in-laws passed, leaving us with a horrendous task.
Overwhelmed by Stuff
“Hoarding” is often associated with a personality disorder. Hoarders keep stuff others view as useless, have difficulty parting with any of their possessions, and create enough clutter to make some living spaces unusable
It’s hard to imagine how you dealt with it for 27 years! Time to gather family support and all get informed as to possible strategies.
Psychiatrists say the disorder occurs in an estimated 2% to 5% of the population. Many cling to items they feel will be useful “later,” or they have sentimental value, or they’re actually afraid to give them up.
According to the International OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) Foundation, therapies that work well for other OCD’s don’t seem to be as effective for hoarding.
However, a special form of cognitive behavior therapy has been developed. Also, the organization has self-help programs, access to support groups, and information you and others dealing with hoarders should check out at http://hoarding.iocdf.org/.
An online search also lists companies that help with hoarding cleanups and de-cluttering.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex (March 25):
Reader – “I’m from an Asian background, and when I was growing up in my country, we were taught to abstain from sex before marriage.
“And also to leave the door of our room open when with girlfriend or boyfriend, as an etiquette matter.
“We were trained (far more seriously than here) to treat our parents with respect and be loyal to them.
“Maybe the writer's boyfriend feels guilty whenever he has sex because he knows in his conscience that he shouldn't.
“Even in Western culture, sex before marriage was forbidden until not that long ago. And women who became pregnant before marriage were treated worse than criminals.
“Depending on cultural background, some parents and even grownup children have very close relationships.”
Ellie – While there may be a cultural factor involved, the writer/girlfriend didn’t mention this. Meanwhile, their mother-son closeness may be beyond her acceptance.
Tip of the day:
When someone doesn’t want to take the relationship to the next step, don’t blame others; learn more about his/her reasons.