I'm 26 and single, and looking. I've been dating a few men recently, I know how that sounds, and it is exactly how it sounds. But this kind of no-commitment "dating" is starting to weigh on me. I'm thinking it's time to settle down.
However, now I have these men in my life, and I don't know how to decide which one is best for me. I'm thinking I just have a problem with commitment. One man is mature, responsible, but kind of boring. Another is humorous and fun to be with, but immature and kind of irresponsible.
What do I do? How do I choose? Am I a terrible person for "playing the field" like this?
You'd only be considered a "terrible" person if you made promises of a future to several men, and led them to believe you were dating them exclusively.
Even if that's so, there's nothing that says you MUST choose one of them. Frankly, you do none of them a favour if you just pick one because you feel tired of juggling them.
Now that you're on the brink of maturing yourself, try dealing with a clean slate, and wait to meet someone about whom you don't have to find a flaw like "kind of boring." When you truly love someone, you'll know you want to share your life with him.
Several days ago, my best friend told me, in confidence, that her friend (whom I've never met) forced himself on her sexually. I was completely shocked. She said that he invited her to a "party," but she was the only person who showed up. He made advances and when she turned him down, he forced himself on her. She said he only stopped because his parents came home.
She said she hasn't told anyone about this, she wanted to keep it between us, and made me promise not to tell anyone. I asked if she was going to contact the police, and she said no.
Her plan is to somehow blackmail him, and her ultimate goal is to remain friends. I don't understand her way of thinking. She openly admitted that she was raped by this man, yet wants to continue their friendship. Previously, she told me that he physically and emotionally abused his ex-girlfriend.
I've kept my word, and haven't told anyone this, and it's eating me up inside. I don't want to betray her trust, but I have to do something to ensure that this abusive, violent man gets what he deserves.
Your friend is endangering other woman by her silence and so would you be if you don't report this rape. Do so. However, she may deny it, because of her misguided wish for "friendship" with this violent guy.
Talk to her. Explain that a man who rapes will never be a woman's friend. Nor does he care about her so-called blackmail. He'll force himself on her again, and on others. He doesn't want her company; he just wants to use her when he feels like it.
Alert her that you definitely intend to tell the police and that she must at the very least write out a report of the incident (if she refuses to go with you in person). Encourage her that this is an act of empowerment and strength she dearly needs!
By contrast, her "strategy" of accepting abuse from this man is demeaning and can only further diminish her self-esteem.
FEEDBACK Regarding the many questions from women whose men watch porn:
Reader - "I'm amazed at the number of women in distress over their men looking at pictures of naked women. For the average guy, this simply means looking and indulging in harmless fantasies. It does not mean he's making negative comparisons or wants to run off with some nameless woman just because she has big boobs. It has no correlation for his love for his partner.
"What your letter writers need to ask themselves is how their partners treat them. If the men are loving and respectful, ditch the stressing over the porn. Better yet, watch some soft porn together and take advantage of the extra excitement in the bedroom.
"Obviously, some men are porn addicts and it interferes with their real relationships, in which case my comments don't apply."
Your last statement IS the stated reason that many women do write me.
Tip of the day:
Being ready to settle down means looking for true love, not just "settling."