We’re in our late 50’s, in a solid seven-year relationship; we’ve discussed marrying, but for one stumbling block. 

When she divorced 20+ years ago she kept the same surname as her kids (now 30s). When I suggest she change to my last name she gets defensive. Even after her ex’s new wife took on his name, she still didn’t change. I think this was a jealously factor perhaps, since she didn’t want the new wife to have the same name as her kids, and her not have it.

She’s not a prominent person who needs it for career purposes.

For me it’s humiliating because I don’t want to introduce her to new people and have to explain that she’s chosen to bring her previous married name into our marriage. Is this a common dilemma?

I’m considering suggesting a temporary split for a few months to see if we can get around this. Maybe some counselling would help.

- Perplexed

I have to disclose the personal here: I did keep my previous husband’s last name, for professional reasons, and in alignment with my now-adult children. 

My second husband (a long, happy marriage) accepts this completely, his children and mine find it normal, and it’s common among today’s couples to have different surnames.

In your case, there appear to be some unspoken attitude differences between you two, beyond this “one stumbling block.” Separating may only serve to solidify these into a divisive wall.

If you hope to move forward, seeing a counsellor together will help you both communicate more openly and work on compromises (which may or may not include a name change).

After dating a great guy for three months, I was introduced to his adorable younger brother, who’s 14. 

While socializing with my family, the teenager developed a crush on my cousin who’s two years his elder. My boyfriend insisted that I “hook them up.” I said that she has a boyfriend and isn’t interested yet he still insists.

I told my boyfriend that pressuring his brother to pursue girls is wrong. And exposing him to things that he’s not ready for will return to bite him in the end. He should be encouraging him in school, instead.

My boyfriend then told me he started having sex with girls at 16. I ended up questioning him about his brotherly “man talks.” He denies exposing his kid brother to pornographic videos, adult magazines, and stories about his own exploits with girls. But he tried to change the subject and I suspect he has done all these!!

I’m disgusted. Am I overreacting? Is it considered child abuse? What’s the appropriate age for “man talks?”

- Disgusted in the City!

Yes, you may be overreacting, but it’s to your new vision of your boyfriend as Mindless Macho. 

You’re correct that his brotherly focus at this stage should be on encouraging studies. But you have no real evidence beyond the “hook up” request, that he’s dragged the youth down a seamy path.

Stop accusing but keep a watching brief on his attitudes and how he conveys them. Your guy needs to learn that the kind of “manliness” you respect - and which any impressionable teenager needs to see - is leadership, good values and good sense.

If you feel your boyfriend is lacking these qualities, it’s your own relationship you need to question more than the siblings’ connection.

But if you do keep dating, bring a thoughtful, sisterly female view to his younger brother.

I moved into my now-husband’s (matrimonial) house to save my stepdaughter from upheaval. He refused to change the dishes, nor remove pictures in our bedroom of a woman he’d dated. 

I got angry and ripped them up, and tossed out some anniversary cups.

He says those were his parents’ cups and I have no respect for him.

Though I’ve apologized, he insists I still have no right to ever touch his things.

He has a home office that I’m not allowed in. Is this behaviour normal?

- Divided

Apologize again. He’d already shown attachment to “his” things, to alert you not to just toss things without discussion. 

Moving there without agreements about spatial use and having some fresh joint property like dishes, was your mistake as much as his.

Try to have that discussion now; explain that you both need this if you’re to truly be his partner and not an unhappy visitor.