My high-school sweetheart and I married in our mid-20s, we’re now mid-40s.

For the first ten years, my successful business got us mortgage-free by 32. Life was fantastic. She’s always worked full time. Today we have kids, all with A+ report cards.

Recent years have been rough for me financially, and she’s been the big breadwinner. We live very frugally.

Two years ago she suggested we separate if I didn't change. We started couples’ counseling, I started to change, but things aren’t moving fast enough for her. I’m currently broke, unemployed, and ineligible for unemployment insurance. I feel like a failure.

Last January she presented separation papers (I didn’t sign.) I experienced depression, became suicidal, stopped eating, and lost 60 pounds.

I was clinically diagnosed with depression, prescribed medication, and sought counseling. I slept downstairs for months; now back in the same bed. Sex is extremely rare, but happens. She openly says we’re separated. Her lawyer served me legal separation papers (I didn’t sign).

We still have plenty in common and do get along.

In the fall, she fired her lawyer after I said we couldn’t afford lawyer fees, and we could work things out. As a last resort, if that’s impossible, our government offers free legal mediation to willing parties.

Last month I snooped and found very flirtatious conversations about a possible no-strings attached sexual relationship, with someone we met at my kids’ sports activities.

After denials, when shown proof, she acknowledged it but said, 1) she wasn't cheating as we’re separated; 2) it was just talk with no serious intentions; and 3) she’d already decided to end it.

I call it cheating, and doubt she’d have ended it. I called and exploded on the phone with that man, and spoke to his wife about it, too.

My wife broke down, expressed shame, and sought counseling, swearing it won’t happen again.  I forgave her but later caught her on another lie.

I’ve upped my job search, and feel an opportunity should be near. I want to show her I’m very serious about moving us forward. I'm starting to not trust her, but still love her!

She says she still loves me, but not like before, says she’d like to stay together, yet isn't sure what the future holds for us. She seems acceptable to moving on without me, I’d rather die than not be with her and my kids everyday.
How can I move things faster forward or should I accept that our dream is over?

Desperate and Jobless

You suffered a great shock when she gave the ultimatum, Change or Separate. You’ve both been reacting against each other since. But you don’t say what she wanted you to change.

Until you have a clear, open discussion of what she felt was wrong between you, before the depression and misery, I doubt this hurtful gap will heal.

She may’ve resented becoming chief breadwinner, and the lowered lifestyle. But do you both believe you can only stay together if there’s a return to double-income ease?

If so, it’s hard to assure a happy future based only on financial success. Your love’s been tainted with distrust, hers with hostility.

Get back to therapy together, there’s too much to toss away here. You need professional help as a couple as much as you need a job.

The holiday season brings messages of love, harmony, and reflection. If you don’t work on all three aspects of your relationship, you’ll miss out on achieving the crucial bond of HOPE.

My boyfriend of six years left a great job (prestigious company), seeking career advancement, but he’s been fired everywhere else for lack of experience or expertise.

I doubt he has what it takes for this work level, and I’m getting stressed out. I’m always supportive, but now he’s losing another job because he wrecked some equipment.

I’ve suggested returning to the previous work for a while. He resists.

How do I say he’s not suited to this work? If he loses one more job I’m leaving. I can’t take the stress, but I don’t want to make things worse. We’re in our 30’s.

Wrong Career

Leaving is a harsh response, unless you speak up ahead. Be kind but straightforward. His advancement plan isn’t working; he’s building a negative work history for future employers to question.

Make a new plan together. He returns to the other work but takes upgrading courses. Stay supportive AND honest.