My husband of five years managed the joint account we established several years ago, by mutual agreement. Our goal was to own a house before having children.
When I recently asked when we could start house-hunting, he revealed that we're $30,000 in debt!
He's been secretly spending tons on games and hobbies.
He's previously been diagnosed bipolar and on medication.
I’ve warned that if the situation doesn't improve, I’ll leave him.
I now control our finances with a strict budget for both.
He’s improved, spending a fraction of what he spent previously. But it’ll take years to pay it all back.
He wants me to get pregnant by next year.
Partly, I want to leave him. I’ll have nothing or half the debt, after my years of working.
I still love him, but my trust is severely shaken.
Partly, I want to stay while delaying having kids. But we're in our 30’s. I don't want to wait too long.
I'm also concerned about how he might handle other problems in the future, if I stay.
Lost Savings, Uncertain Future
While his spending was deceitful, it’s hard to understand how he could’ve acquired all those games and hobbies without your knowing a thing, and never looking at your account.
That’s a mistake on your part, though far less than his wild over-spending.
But you still love him and still consider having a child with him.
To stay together, you need to better understand his bi-polar condition and learn how to help him deal with it.
Keep your control over banking and spending, but watch it together.
You’ll both have to make sure he sees his doctor regularly and follows his medication routines.
Unless you feel ready for this monitoring approach, don’t get pregnant too soon.
Let the situation settle over six months before you decide to stay or go.
I met this guy at school. We talk every day while I'm back in my home town.
We decided that I’d move into a house he's buying with his roommate/friend when school starts. I'll pay rent for my own room.
I returned for my friend’s wedding, which we went to together. The night before, we went out, got wasted, and went back to his place.
We always sleep together, no big deal. We got to the wedding late, as the wedding party’s walking down the aisle. The bride was pissed at me!
Then everyone asked what was going on. I said we’re just friends.
The next day we were still pretty hung over. When I left for home, he gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead.
We both got out of a relationship recently and only met six months ago. I really like him and don’t know what to do.
If it’s “no big deal” for you to sleep together, it’s clearly no big deal for him either.
But now you’re confused by it all.
Moving into his house could be a big mistake if you two don’t first agree on what IS going on.
If you’re a friend with benefits, how comfortable will you feel when another girl sleeps with him at the shared house? Can he pop in and out of your room whenever he or you are wasted?
This can be an unhappy move and interfere with how you’re doing at school.
Think this over carefully, soberly. You might have a better chance at a defined relationship with him, if you room instead with a girlfriend or on your own.
FEEDBACK Regarding the lover who insists that his married girlfriend gets separated from her ailing hubby who is father of their two children (July 19):
Reader – “This writer is highly selfish. If he feels true love for her, he must support her financially as her husband is ill and under treatment.
“While her husband was abusive, she turned to an affair with this man as she got more love from him. Now that’s his obligation to her to fulfill.”
Ellie – An interesting, unique view.
If even some people who become involved with married lovers would believe they have an “obligation” to the lover’s spouse, and especially to their children, there’d be less cheating and/or more communal support – both healthy objectives.
But in this case, the man needs to move on. It’s not certain that she ever wanted more than their affair. She’s chosen to remain with her abusive husband, saying it’s because he’s ill.
Tip of the day:
Check your joint bank account together periodically to avoid surprises.