My common-law husband of 14 years is a heavy drinker (more than 50 drinks a week), and has been as long as I've known him.

I used to be a heavy drinker myself, but after an illness I stopped drinking totally. I accept that he may not change, and doesn’t accept he has a drinking problem. He only says he’s “bored,” so he drinks.

However, in the past six months (both while sober and intoxicated) he’s become very negative and angry, almost all the time. Everything he says is negative.

When I mention it, he either says he's sorry but he has a lot on his plate (true), or lashes out that it’s me who’s negative. This is untrue. I’m generally a happy, positive person, but the constant anger is getting to me and sometimes we argue.

He’s in his mid-60s and just had a check-up; he’s physically healthy.

But what if you think someone needs some mental health help, yet know that suggestion will be met with hostility?

I’ve heard that constant anger and negativity may be a sign of mental health trouble. He was formerly a very nice, kind, and loving person. Some friends and family members have also noticed a change.

I may nag and be annoying sometimes but I don't deserve this kind of treatment, and know that something’s wrong. How can I convince him to seek help? He refuses couples’ counselling and says it’s me who has a problem.

Breaking My Heart

Ask to see the doctor who pronounced him healthy and raise your concerns. Say that you want direction to help your husband, but need to inform the doctor of things he may not be aware, i.e. the excess drinking and negative behavior changes.

If he wishes, the doctor could call him back in for discussion and may refer him elsewhere regarding these specifics.

OR, you tell your husband that, if nothing else is wrong, then like many aging alcoholics, he’s no longer handling drink well, behaving nastily, and you can’t just accept the effects on you both.

Explain that you’re worried about a potential stroke, or heart attack for him. And it’s dividing you at a time when you should be firmly bonded, and helping each other.

If nothing works, go to counselling yourself and consider your own options.

We've been married 40 years and have recurring arguments about the stupidest things... how we interpret each other. Usually I feel he doesn't respect me. He can be belittling and I make sure he knows how I feel, but that escalates the problem.

Marriage counseling ended in disaster when the counsellor claimed us dysfunctional at our first meeting. I’m hesitant to try again. It took a lot for both of us to seek help. I believe we need individual help and couples counseling. Should it be the same person?

Dismissed from Counselling

Do NOT go back to someone who threw in the towel on the first meeting. OR, there’s the possibility she wasn’t clear but had meant that indeed you two have serious problems and divides, and need help.

Talk to others who’ve gone to therapists, if possible, and talk to your own doctor… it’s always good to have a recommendation. But you can also phone a few therapists who are listed with professional associations and ask what approach they use, their usual length of process, fees, etc.

Then go to at least two sessions to decide if you have the right fit.

I live in a very nice, family-oriented neighbourhood, which we chose for this reason. My next-door neighbor, who’s been separated from his wife for three years, has four daughters who visit and stay with him. He lives with his aunt, who’s an invalid.
I sometimes go out to my back deck to have a smoke. Several times at night, my neighbour stands stark naked as he changes his clothes right in front of his basement window just when I turn around to go back in.

It’s happened too often for it to be a coincidence. What do I do?

Disturbed

Some choices: 1) Smoke outside your front door instead of in the back. 2) Have your husband go out with you and stare at the window throughout. Your neighbor will get the message that you’re not to be bothered this way. 3) He’s pathetic, but he could also be “disturbed.” Avoid him ALL the time.