My 13-year marriage is in deep trouble though things like finance, faith, parenting, in-laws and household management come naturally for us.
We’ve lost emotional and physical intimacy over the years. My wife’s an extreme workaholic and she’s lost attraction to me due to built-up resentments. I’m far from perfect, but she can’t see her role in it.
She had an affair this year, withdrew from the children, and then said she wanted to work on the marriage. She promptly threw herself into work and school. And won’t make time for the marriage.
How might she overcome resentments, regain attraction and connection? What steps should we take beyond counselling?
- Frustrated

Your wife’s hiding from you for some reason – possibly some internal shame over the affair, deep disappointment in the marriage, a feeling of hopelessness. She rejects working intensely on the marriage because she’s unwilling to face the pain of either seeing her own part in this or putting the kids through a divorce, for now.
However, if things continue as is, you will more than likely end up apart. Counselling could be a crucial help, whether or not you eventually separate. It may help you both to make needed changes; OR it can pave the way for an amicable parting with reasonable discussions about joint custody, property division, support issues etc.
If you present counselling as a way for either staying in or getting out of the marriage, she may be more open to it.
Meanwhile, here is another reader’s account of facing up to a troubled time in his marriage and turning it around. I believe it can be helpful to many:  
Reader - After 22 years of marriage, my wife and I went through a spell where we felt disconnected. It was driven by my focus on work and my job change, her focus on being chauffeur Mom and the needs of the kids and being a teacher.
The things that helped us reconnect sound simple but cost us both a lot personally in terms of recommitting to each other. The benefits have been amazing in our home, our relationship, our feelings of security, not to mention our sex life.
We have a strong mutual Christian faith, so we have renewed our time together of sharing and praying in areas relative to our faith.
I gave up the TV in the bedroom and rearranged our bedroom so that we have an intimate place to sit and talk away from distractions. My wife felt she was competing with the TV and told me so. The replacement entertainment has been more than worth it!
We have purposefully made time for each other away from the kids through evenings out; and evenings alone together with the bedroom door firmly closed and locked; plus evenings with friends to connect with people we care about.
I’ve committed to stop working on work and work more on our relationship by shutting down the computer and Blackberry and giving my wife my full attention.
She’s done the same with her work, which is being a full-time Mom and teacher. She’s making a greater effort to meet my physical needs and does so with a willing heart, because she sees and appreciates the efforts I am making.
We feel like we’re on our second honeymoon - we can't wait to spend time together and continue to build on our commitment to each other.
I hope this message might inspire people who want to give up to try again, and try harder together.

We’re late 70's and recently received mailed photos of a beautiful 8-year-old girl from a lady who claims our son’s the father. She says she’ll eventually have to tell her daughter about her paternal relatives.
Our son’s married with four young children. This lady claims conception took place when she visited here. I believe her, due to other factors mentioned. Should I tell my son about his daughter and cause family upheaval, or should I ignore the letter until she contacts him directly?
- Uncertain

Give the letter to your son immediately. Whatever upheaval may ensue, if he’s responsible for it, he needs to deal with it.
Since you believe the claim, advise him that now that this woman is seeking acknowledgment, or whatever. The truth will eventually hit his home, so it’s best if he decides ahead when and how to inform his wife, and decide what his involvement should be.