Dear Readers – Following are leftover questions from my online chat, “No Time for Sex” (November 20):
My new boyfriend’s sexy looking, but acts sloppy and silly when he drinks, which is often. He’ll be all over me at a club where we usually go, but when we get back to my place, he can’t get it going. He says it’s never happened with anyone else, that I mean too much to him so he’s put off. Can this be true?
No. He’s affected by alcohol and can’t perform. This is common for those who drink more than they can handle, which is obvious from his “sloppy” behaviour.
Tell him so. Then take a break. Nothing will change until he deals with his drinking problem.
Meanwhile, he’s “blaming” you, by saying it’s because of his feelings for you. This too, is a common strategy of excessive drinkers, to avoid responsibility for alcohol’s effects.
My boyfriend of six months avoids intimacy, though he claims he adores me. I’m always the one to ask for sex or get it started. But then it’s a quick event, always only satisfying him. He says he’s being pressured and that’s what’s wrong. What should I do?
If he means pressured by you, then ask him directly why he’s dating you and not intimate. Being adored but not desired isn’t the compliment he thinks he’s giving.
If he means he’s under pressure from work, tight finances, or whatever, tell him that avoiding sex and staying stressed won’t help him.
Perhaps he’s not used to showing and giving love, which usually comes from a behaviour pattern learned in childhood. For that, he needs to talk out his past with you, and be willing to learn how to demonstrate his adoration.
He either gets with it, or you get going.
My husband became distanced after our second child was born. Since he was an only child in his family, he believes he had the “better” upbringing. But our adorable daughter came along after our son, making a “perfect” family in everyone else’s eyes.
He blames me for her, even though he can’t help but love her. So he refuses to have sex (except when he’s had too much to drink).
Mom at Wit’s End
This is a power struggle, more than about sex. He’s also terrified that you’ll get pregnant again (although it’s likeliest to happen when he’s too drunk to use protection. So who’s “fault” will that be?)
His “refusal” to have sex is childish and destructive.
Insist on talking it out… say that the marriage won’t last if he keeps pushing you away from all chance of maintaining a loving connection.
My partner and I have trouble connecting sexually, because we both have demanding jobs, and are committed to fitness, aging parents, and involvement in community events.
We love each other and used to make love frequently, but these responsibilities have taken over our lives. There’s no “free” time.
You’ve abandoned your primary responsibility, which is to make time for nourishing your union, including your sexual connecting.
Jobs have a finite timing despite their demands… without a day off and an end to daily hours, your health will be affected and interfere with all your responsibilities.
Working out helps, but doesn’t fully balance an overload of mental stress.
However, enjoying the uplifting feelings from endorphins produced through sexual release, and feeling loved, desired, and nurtured, does create balance.
My male “friend” is 65. We’re slowly heading towards becoming sexual with each other.
I’m 54 and never had a relationship with someone in his age range before, so I’m wondering what to expect.
Do men in this age range still have a strong sex drive? Do they have sex regularly if they have a partner?
I realize “normal” is different for everyone but I’m very uninformed when it comes to being sexual with a senior.
A healthy senior who’s interested in sex, and isn’t taking medicines or abusing substances, which lower libido, can enjoy sex and satisfy a partner (choices exist to raise libido and erections).
If he’s fit, this man may also be a frequent lover, as well as one who stays the course (hopefully, you’re fit and healthy, too).
The bonus is that many seniors have learned to appreciate other aspects of intimacy – kissing, cuddling, and expressing their love.
Tip of the day:
Loving, healthy sex is a stress-buster, and a feel-good bonding connection worth making time to enjoy.