It’s been three years since I ended a messy, on-off, eight-year relationship. I've dated since, and have met some "great" guys.
After about two months, I begin to notice things that bug me - annoying or immature habits, questionable behaviours, less communication, etc.
I know I have high expectations, but I’m a full-time single parent, completing my final year of education.
Between networking, volunteering, a job, and freelance work I have little extra time, so I feel like I'm allowed to be a bit picky.
But why does every guy I meet fall (or crash) under my expectations? Is something wrong with me?
You keep dating the same guy, in that nothing changes. Something’s skewed in your selectivity skills.
Also, you plunge ahead without assessing the differences between you and the man-of-the-moment.
It’s become your established pattern, likely started with the on-off machinations of the past eight-year relationship.
Yes, you’ve got a very full plate. So do lots of men. But you’re not connecting with anyone with whom you share appreciation of each other’s situations.
Maybe dating a single, working dad would be more complicated, but inspire more mutual understanding.
Consider this: You choose to run a very tight schedule, which is fine for you, but impossible for another person to identify with and respond to on every level.
So choose your priorities. Do you want to date someone who relates to your deadlines and pressures as a student, a parent, a worker…?
Because few relationships can last long enough to build a bond, if you expect everything to be perfect right from the early dating time.
Last April, while paying some bills online, I found porn websites. I also saw explicit emails and nude photos including some of my husband.
When confronted, he said it was only chatting, that I was jealous, and he’d never leave me. He said he’d quit.
Instead, he changed the password. He’s spending lots of money on the websites. His cell phone bill is now $90.00 to $100.00 more, monthly, with lots of texting and calling.
He’s angry that I found it all. Same answer, it’s only chat.
He’s 51; I’m 60, together for 23 years. I need some clarity for my thoughts on all this.
Exchanging nude photos is NOT chatting. It’s titillation that often leads to cheating. If he’s texting with contacts whom he’s seen naked, he may well be emotionally cheating already.
He may not be planning to leave you, but he’s disrespecting your relationship, while knowingly worrying you (and hurting you).
Worse, he’s trying to blame YOU for jealousy and also showing anger when he’s the one creating tension.
Be firm. You don’t accept this behaviour just as he wouldn’t accept it from you.
Tell him that what he’s doing is on the slippery slope towards breaking you two apart.
If he continues, get legally informed as to what are your rights and financial entitlements if you decide to leave him.
Am I in love with this girl or do I just like her? I feel addicted to her.
You’re obsessing on her, which is not the same as being “addicted.” You can stop obsessing any time you really try.
I’m guessing you’re young and feeling a crush.
You’re obsessing because you don’t really know her. So try talking to her. She may be receptive and then she’ll become real, not just living in your thoughts. If she’s not interested, she’s not all you imagined.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “Forever Girlfriend” who’s considering an ultimatum (Feb. 3):
Reader – “Having been through an ultimatum myself recently, I’ve come to understand how unhealthy this approach is.
“It’s clear this couple is miss-matched – she wants to be married, he doesn’t see the need. Nothing she’s going to do is going to change that, but time.
“Meanwhile, her suggestion of an ultimatum is likely to ruin the relationship - either because he’ll break up with her, or he’ll give in and regret it later because it begins a pattern of him not standing up for himself.
“There’s a difference between lovingly asserting oneself and finding a compromise vs. issuing an ultimatum which is about power and control.
“He knows she wants a ring and the best he can now offer is for her to move in with him
“If she’s unwilling to compromise on this, they’re both best to move on.”
Tip of the day:
If you keep choosing similar people and have the same-old expectations, you’ll end up with the same disappointments.