My husband and I, middle-aged and in a second marriage, have a son each (20 and 14) from our previous marriages, and one son together, age four.

I’m increasingly frustrated by the males’ lack of respect for 1) our home, 2) my constant efforts trying to keep up with the destruction left behind by everyone except myself.

I’m constantly sweeping crumbs and debris, cleaning spills, putting dishes into empty dishwashers, replacing empty containers in the fridge, closing food bags, etc.

I’m wiping up toothpaste and hair from bathroom counters, and urine from toilet bowls and surrounding floors. I spent 20 hours vacuuming and deep cleaning the TV-room carpet and stairs last week.

This, despite constant reminders to NOT walk through the FULLY BROADLOOMED house with shoes on, drinks, and plates of food.

I can’t blame the four-year-old who tries to clean up after himself.

After seven years cleaning up after a bunch of swine, I’m ready to throw in the towel.

I’ve tried going on strike. After five days, I was greeted with a sink full of dirty dishes and a whole swarm of maggots.

How do I get an adult husband, adult child, and a teen to stop relying on me? I’m SOOO ready to pack my laptop and makeup bag and skedaddle to save what little sanity I have left….

Angry and Exhausted

Pack your laptop AND your four-year-old. Take a week’s break (an affordable all-inclusive resort or whatever else relaxes you). Hire a cleaning service as part of the total cost, for the day you return.

BUT, before you go, tell your husband that he’s the model for the mess AND disregard for you. Until he pitches in, your sons and he risk losing you for a lot longer period.

Then, show the “destroyers” the vacuum cleaner, paper plates, trays. Explain why you’re taking this break and what you’ll no longer tolerate. State clearly that if their disrespectful behavior continues, your services won’t. Mean it.

Give them some time to adjust. Meanwhile, consider 1) paying the teen and young adult (nominally) for bi-weekly deep cleaning, 2) talking to a counselor, since this has been an ongoing family power struggle, for which you need to vent more and get some perspective.

I belonged to a large group of girlfriends (20-year-olds). Two years ago, one friend was jealous that a particular guy wanted to date me. Though some intimacy occurred, I realized that a relationship with this person would have too much baggage, so it never happened.

But the jealous girl eventually got others on board and they rejected me from their group, with some very mean behavior directed at me.

Most girls found their own reason to jump on the bandwagon (even one of my closest friends), and from others I just didn't get any support.

After two years, the instigator recently indicated she’d like to be friends again. I want to forgive for my own healing, but am unsure if I can trust.

Still Hurt

You cannot trust until a lot more happens. But you can show willingness to give her a chance (which puts you on the high road), if she acknowledges her mean-girl behavior.

Tell her you’ll meet her once you’ve heard she’s circulated among the others her realization that they were wrong to reject you. If she’s unwilling, she’s not going to help you heal; she’s just looking after herself, for her own reasons.

FEEDBACK Regarding the previously “abandoned child” who’s a reckless, debt-ridden spender as a young adult (Jan. 14):

Reader – “As a long-term permanent foster parent (23 years) I read your good advice to the parent of the young woman who was trying to fill the void left by childhood experiences.

“I raised a number of kids with similar problems. I’m retired from that, but the kids, now grown up, are all permanently part of our family, of course.

“One of the resources that was tremendously insightful and of great use was the book, Parenting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck, Kupecky, and Mansfield:

http://books.google.ca/books?id=hb1DOgAACAAJ&dq=parenting+the+hurt+child&hl=en&sa=X&ei=v3f0ULukN8TL2QWN9IDYAQ&redir_esc=y

“You may wish to recommend it to hurting parents.

I often pass it on to adoptive parents or long-term foster parents like us.”

Thanks for this resource, and for the years of nurturing and stability you’ve given to children in need of such obviously thoughtful and researched consistent care.