My boyfriend of one year and I have amazing memories together so far. He makes me laugh, he's a good person, and he's very intelligent.
We do argue occasionally, but we always work it out and move on. We both agree that our relationship isn't the same as it was in the beginning because we’re past that "fairy-tale" stage, which is understandable.
But, being such a passionate and loving person, I feel like although we love each other, we're now almost existing in this relationship to just love, without further meaning.
I still want to continue our relationship, but it's rather boring. I’ve asked his opinion and he says our love may not be “butterfly-like” as in the beginning, but it's still there.
Now I have constant anxiety that I don't want to be the girl that gets dumped, and wasn't aware that he was at a standstill and not being honest from the start.
I'd rather find a solution to save me the embarrassment. I'm indecisive when it comes to choosing the right option. I still love him dearly but I'm so lost.
Bored or Scared?
It doesn’t make sense to break up a relationship with someone you love and who loves you. Especially when there doesn’t appear to be any sign that he might suddenly “dump” you.
That’s an anxiety you seem to have created, and it may be a pattern with you when relationships become truly boring and you fear they’re going stale or worse, a partner’s looking elsewhere.
There’s a difference between being passionate, which is how you describe yourself, and thinking that if there are no “butterflies” and “fairy-tale” feelings, love is meaningless.
Not so. Love is sometimes fiery, sometimes calm, it can be profound but also quiet, at times deeply moving, and at others quiet and steady.
You two may need some occasional new excitement – a spring getaway to shake off the winter, a new activity like an outdoor sport to share. Consider even separate pursuits, such as new courses or fitness programs for whoever needs that added goal and energy-boost.
But running from an imagined future breakup sounds more like you lacking self-confidence, than being bored with someone you love and loves you.
After 25 years living with this man and doing everything for him, he’s started going to dating sites and messaging women on line.
He’s even been video-calling them.
I feel that an end is at hand. But he tells me it's just him messing with them, that it's all a game, and the girls aren't real… just online looking to scam money… and that everyone does it.
Do you think cheating is next? I don't want to waste any more time.
I’m suspicious too. It’s unclear whether he’s looking to scam money, or he believes the “girls” are, and he’s willing to “mess” with them.
Either way, his new behaviour after 25 years together, sound pretty crummy and demeaning to you.
If you already think you’re wasting time with him, you’re probably right. Even if he isn’t cheating, he’s playing fast and loose with your feelings and disrespecting you.
Depending on your circumstances – e.g. whether you have children together – the next move is yours. An ultimatum that he quits messing with other women online and that cheating is your line in the sand, is one option.
But you have to be firm and mean it. If he crosses that line or acts indifferent, see a lawyer about your common-law rights and responsibilities. Then move on.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s daughter and teenage granddaughter living squalidly with no motivation (April 8):
Reader – “What’s needed are activities that the daughter and granddaughter are routinely engaged in.
“The grandmother should consider her own hobbies, talents, skills. She should then engage her granddaughter with those hobbies.
“If the grandmother’s a good chef, she should invite the granddaughter to cook with her, and take home the meals for her mother and herself.
“If the grandmother’s a gardener, invite the granddaughter to garden.
“Grandmother can also think of what the granddaughter has shown interest in learning and they can both pursue the hobby.
“Hopefully, the grandmother can manage to pay for both of their hobbies/ activities. The same concept applies to the daughter.
“Here’s a grandmother who cares enough to write for advice. Kudos to her!!”
Ellie – Good ideas. There are free and inexpensive community-based activities – e.g. gardening plots, volunteering, etc.
Tip of the day:
Steady love can feel like magic if you put new energy into it.