Ten years ago, in my 20's, I had an affair with a married co-worker. We loved each other but it was wrong, and not how either of us wanted to conduct ourselves.

Ultimately, he ended it so he could concentrate on his family. I understood, but was heartbroken and carried guilt for many years.

Through therapy I’ve accepted it as part of my history, and learned from it.

I recently got an email from him, and reluctantly responded. He’s divorced, and been on his own for a while.

We still love each other, miss each other, but I believe love is almost the last thing that makes a relationship work.

Am I risking reviving the dark time in my life during and after the affair?

Do these types of relationships ever work out?

Ten-year History

All kinds of relationships work out, if both people understand what’s needed and commit to it.

You need to talk out those years in between. Why did you stay so guilt-ridden, and what did therapy teach you about yourself? Why did he eventually divorce, and what will he do differently the next time?

A lot of changes occurred in ten years, so you need to take time, and learn about each other anew. Talk about the different realities now – if he has children, and if you do. Discuss how you’ll manage as a new unit if you go ahead.

Unlike your statement, I believe love is the thing that does make two people want to make a relationship work.

If they keep open communication and make mutual effort, they can be successful.

Several months ago, a lifelong childhood friend moved here with her boyfriend. We hadn’t spent much time together since our early teens, but I offered my home until she found a job and got settled.

She showed up completely broke, without even money for food. I supported her.

She was rude, and unhelpful around the house. Her main concern was her boyfriend. I confronted her, we fought, made up, but she moved out. It’d been a month.

She now lives with her boyfriend and has a job. I invited them for Thanksgiving dinner, as they’re alone here.

She showed up in tears and said her boyfriend was being a jerk. They spent their time arguing while I cooked.

She then stormed into my kitchen, said they broke up, and that he refuses to have sex with her. She told my fiancé to talk to him. But he refused. She swore at us and carried on screaming.

Her boyfriend left. Our other friends arrived. My girlfriend and I spent three hours trying to calm her down and she wouldn’t stop crying. She shared their sex life with our dinner guests.

She apologized, but I’m torn. She continues to text me about her problems.

She’s also demanded to be in my wedding party. But I’m scared to even invite her to my wedding.

How do I tell her? I feel that, to continue our friendship and have her attend my wedding, she needs professional help.

Here’s what you wrote in your much longer letter:

“She’s an emotional wreck, she’s rude, selfish, and I can’t risk having her have a meltdown and ruin my wedding day.”

Do not have her in your wedding party, which involves responsibilities. Suggest that she seek professional help to deal with her emotions and anger. Say that her behaviour requires you to take some distance, at a time when you want peace.

Do not invite her to the wedding.

FEEDBACK Regarding the betrayed woman whose partner now wants her to avoid her brother/confidante (Oct. 19):

Reader – “It’s scary that the partner who cheated now wants her to dissociate with people she confided in about the cheating, claiming he’s "embarrassed." These are her support people!

“I'm concerned that it’s a tactic to get her away from people who support her during difficult times. Instead, as a condition of staying together, he needs to be genuinely remorseful and it should be HIS responsibility to make things right with the brother.
“If he’s truly sorry for his actions, and is sincere it won't happen again, then he needs to own his mistake. Hiding behind embarrassment and putting the onus on her to avoid people she relied on, allows him an easy out and therefore likely to repeat his mistake.”

Ellie – Yes, people need their positive supports, and shouldn’t let others, not even partners, isolate them.