I’m in love with someone whom I’m never going to see again in my life.
On a vacation with my family, I saw this guy on the same airplane as me. Later, I realized he went to the same resort where we were. I kept seeing him - at the beach or in the lobby.
I couldn't help but fall in love.
There was something about him that I couldn't resist. But I was too shy to ask for a way to communicate.
Now I'm never going to see him again and it brings me to tears.
I never believed in love at first sight. I've never even been in love before.
But now it feels like my whole world’s falling apart because I'm going crazy just thinking about him.
I didn't know anyone else to talk to about it but you. I need help with coping, because whenever someone mentions the vacation, I cry.
Stuck in Love
You’re not “stuck.” Rather, you’re choosing to dwell in a state of pleasurable fantasy tinged with frustrated longing.
You’re hooked on the idea of love at first sight (LAFS).
According to Irish author and relationship coach, John Alex Clark, that first look at someone (e.g. on the plane) can trigger your subconscious into becoming attracted to this person (who’s actually a stranger to you).
It may, subconsciously, spark a comparison to someone from your past who meant a lot to you.
Next, enter the “halo effect” – the tendency to assign positive personality traits to people we find physically attractive.
So how can my telling you this help you stop crying?
Look deep inside your own memory and self-knowledge, to think about just what those personality traits are that you admire.
Then, look for those traits in the words and actions of men that you meet from now on… instead of concentrating only on their facial looks.
Next time you feel an attraction beyond the instant one from a gaze, gather your courage to say hello, and start a conversation.
You no longer need to cry. You’ve learned something positive and powerful about going beyond a first sighting, to finding its meaning and future usage specific to you.
And here’s some hopeful news out of a 2017 study from the University of Groningen in the Netherlands:
People who report LAFS along with a partner (who’ve created this memory together) tend to experience more love and passion in their relationship.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the parents’ worries that their son may marry a woman with anxieties, fears, and disinterest in having children (Aug. 28):
“The woman written about could’ve been me.
“My husband knew full well about my foibles and eccentricities, that mental illness gallops through my family. He married me anyway.
“He knew that I had NO intentions of ever having children.
“When asked why he married me, he said he was looking for someone to love, who’d be a partner, someone to take care of, who’d take care of him.
“His parents never questioned our relationship or our marriage. They accepted me and made me feel incredibly welcome.
“We’ve been married 28 years.
“To the father: Trust that your son may know what he's doing.
“Admit that his girlfriend wrestles with her own foibles and eccentricities and THAT’S what makes you nervous.
“Get to know her before you judge. I certainly know when I'm being silently judged because actions speak far louder than words.”
My Significant Other (SO) has a lifelong friend, “X,” with power/control issues.
On a recent group trip organized by X, I left one night early for personal reasons, and shared a few of them. It didn’t impact the trip logistics.
X took major offense. He later sent me a cruel email damning my decision.
I responded that I was sorry he felt that way, and apologized.
His next email was insulting and disrespectful.
My SO hasn’t said anything to his friend.
I wouldn’t allow a “friend” to speak to me or my loved one this way. It’s about honouring your loved one and setting boundaries.
I’m disappointed that my SO didn’t “stick up for me.”
The outcome: Bad feelings all around, rejection, and my SO feeling in the middle.
Just Can’t Win
Your SO is either “with” you, or he’s not. He must insist on no more insults, not indulge his difficult friend’s harsh overreaction.
Tip of the day:
Don’t take “Love at first sight” at face value alone. Be sure you know the character traits you want in a love partner.