I've been seeing this guy seriously for two and a half years. But he had a long-distance female friend that I didn't like.
She initiated the tension by sarcastically commenting on a picture he posted of me on his Instagram.
I felt he was always taking her side, and blamed me for a verbal confrontation that ensued.
I told him to cut ties with her because she was getting between us.
Note: he’s only seen her two-to-three times in person.
She lives two hours away, so they don't ever see each other, nor would they go out of their way to meet.
Recently, I discovered he’d been in contact with her again (when he and I weren't on good terms).
They’d never date, so I don't feel threatened by her in that way, but it bothers me that she created problems and he still keeps contact.
He's stated that he's not picking sides, which hurts me because she outright disrespected me and he doesn't seem concerned.
Is that grounds for relationship termination (lol)?
It doesn’t always matter whether the “grounds for termination” are valid… what does matter is who’s stubbornness is going to win out and ruin the relationship anyway.
This is a control issue, not a rivalry.
Yes, she’s a troublemaker, but you’re giving her too much place in his life by going on about her.
So he’s holding onto his rights to having this “friend.”
Her contact with him bugs you but isn’t leading to anything worse… unless you push him towards her.
Drop all mention of her, work on your relationship together. If it progresses, she’ll naturally fade from the scene.
I’m a late-50s male with two surviving and reasonably healthy parents in their early-80s.
They’re both good people, but their my-way-or-the-highway approach led me to leave home suddenly at 18.
Rancour over my quest for independence continued for decades.
By contrast, my seven-years younger brother remained at home until almost 40, paid little room and board, and built enough savings to enter the housing market while I’m still a renter.
My parents and brother sit on $1.5 million in property alone, while I have just $90,000 in RRSPs and no corporate pensions.
My relations with them have been rollercoaster-like - good, bad and indifferent.
But it’s generally bad with my brother, who sports a worldly attitude despite his protected past.
We’ll both ultimately have to "represent" for our family at a funeral, but I often ponder how it’ll unravel.
As the oldest son, I’ll feel a responsibility to deliver eulogies, but wonder how I should handle it.
Should I leave it at the feet of my arrogant brother and wash my hands of it?
I fear that when it comes time to come together, my brother and I will end up fighting.
You’re ruminating on worst-case scenarios instead of living your life as fully as you can.
You are independent and should be proud of it. You couldn’t have lived as your brother did.
But worrying about funerals and eulogies-as-disclosure, borders on becoming depressed.
Say about your parents what they deserve – “they’re both good people.”
Also, remember that they did the best they could with the resources they had at the time. Their way was to be protective.
Meanwhile, in their still-healthy years, you can spend some time learning about their own upbringing and the social forces of the time that shaped them.
Regarding your brother, you’re different, have separate lives. There’s little to fight about unless you go looking for it.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend who’ll never invite his girlfriend to his place (April 7):
Reader – “While it's possible that the boyfriend’s hiding something, it's more likely that the girlfriend has a nicer place.
“She may be a clean freak and he’s just a messy person and embarrassed by it.
“I’m also very messy and I explain that to potential partners before they come over. If it's an issue for them, they can move on.
“This girlfriend should be more understanding.
“If she loves him, then she needs to make him feel comfortable with the fact that he might be super messy.
“And she has to reassure him that she won’t judge or criticize him in any way, and that she just wants to be a part of his life.
“No mention to help him clean or give advice, just accept him.
“I have a super busy life and cleaning is not my top priority.”
Tip of the day:
Trying to control a partner’s casual (non-romantic) contacts can push your mate away.