My husband had an affair last summer; when she gave him an ultimatum, he confessed to me, said he wanted to be with her, that I’d neglected him; he wanted a divorce. This proclamation followed our 32nd wedding anniversary. 

Three weeks later, he moved in with her. We eventually agreed on a fair arrangement regarding marital property.

Two months later he announced he was coming home. I was so anxious to have him back; I didn’t stop to think about why he was returning.

It’s been five months of honeymooning, now I want answers. He won’t reveal anything that he and the other woman did or discussed.

In the past, I’d accepted his affairs. This is different because he wanted to start a new life with her. I need to know why it didn’t work out. He wants us to forget about it. How do I get him to see that it’s now about what’s best for our marriage to survive and grow? I’d rather end it, than stay in a marriage that’ll end up the same.

- Need Advice

Keep your backbone and resolve firm, insisting on open discussion about what he keeps seeking elsewhere. Or he'll likely wander off again… he's had years of getting away with it, with you looking the other way. 

I disagree that you need to know everything the two did together and discussed – an affair almost always involves escapism and early lust; knowing those details will only interfere with your ability to work together on re-committing to a real life of compassion, caring and commitment.

You're NOT competing with her or other women, but rather trying to achieve a more satisfying, stimulating marriage for you both.

Marriage counselling is crucial to that effort. Without it – and without you also being clear about what you will NOT accept in future - you might as well plan how to manage better without him.

Recently, a childhood friend phoned out of the blue. We’d had no contact since his brother’s wedding 30 years ago, when he told me he was very important whereas I’d always be void of money and interest. 

Well, my life’s great! However, he described his life story including drug addiction, several wives and anger towards his children.

He said how he’d missed talking to me and wants to visit (he lives across the country from me.). He revealed his money problems and plans for a new business. He goes every night to a support group.

I don’t want a visit but don’t want to set him back on his recovery. He said he’d sent me a gift in the mail and wants pictures of me and my family.

He’s giving me the creeps. When I said he shouldn’t visit without calling first, he became very angry. Would it be wrong to ignore all calls and how do I stop him from sending more gifts?

How do I gently back out of this without doing harm?

- Successful Girl

Protect yourself; he’s too erratic and needy for you to “manage” a re-connection. 

Return the gift, saying simply that after so many years without contact, it’s inappropriate for you to accept either it, or any visits from him. Wish him well with his plans, but accept no responsibility for his recovery.

His support group and professionals can help far more than you… he’s putting false hope on you that are a set-up for disappointment for him, and anxiety (or worse) for you.

My wife of five years and I separated because, during a fight, I expressed my feelings - that whatever she does, works for her, while whatever I do to provide extra revenue, doesn’t work for me, and I felt envious. She felt I was against her, despite she did everything for “us.” 

I’m staying with my mom, trying to fix this, but my wife says she needs time to get her head together and currently doesn’t feel like being married.

Have I lost her or just give her some space?

- Desperate

You MUST give her space, but you can also give her the respect she deserves, which you childishly envied. 

Instead of being proud and trying to work as a partner, you sulked on your own, then said things that devalued her. Apologize.

Ask for her suggestions on how you, too, can contribute more, and discuss how you can help each other.