I'm 28, and have recently discovered that my boyfriend of three years is a chronic liar. This has been the most serious relationship both of us have had. We were discussing engagement and marriage.
I found out he’d been texting with a girl at work and lying about it. He stated that he was just seeking attention and had only met her once, briefly, at a work function.
He’s since opened up to me saying that he constantly lies about a lot of stuff… stuff that would seem meaningless to me. For example: he lies about what he ate for lunch, and about places where he's traveled.
He said that he's been lying for many years, long before he met me, that he's used to being smarter than everyone, and lies because he thinks he can get away with it.
He says the lying is done now, but it seems so weird and bizarre to me. It doesn't make sense why he’d not only lie to me, but to his friends and family as well.
Does this relationship seem salvageable? He says he's willing to do therapy to rebuild the trust that was lost, but I find that his issues are bigger than just our relationship.
Confused About Lying
You’re right on - this is about him and the long-term chances for him to stay honest, not just about the female colleague and their texting.
He’s a compulsive liar, seeking attention that way, and clearly also needing attention in other ways, too.
He needs therapy to probe whatever deep dark hole wherein he believes he’s really worthless, caused this need. And, his stating that he gets away with lies because he’s smarter than everyone - which is just a flip side of fighting insecurity – is equally worrisome.
It’s the type of belief that allows people to take very foolish risks – with money, and with relationships.
Delay wedding plans until he’s been through a full course of individual therapy over months. Ask to go with him after awhile, IF he and the therapist will help you understand the source of the lies, and how he’s progressing.
I suspect that my husband’s bisexual.
He knows I know. He works with actors and invited one of them to our house to work on some scenes.
Now that guy keeps phoning at all times of day. I asked him to leave my husband alone. But he keeps phoning.
I run to the phone and have even disconnected it to prevent them from meeting again, especially when I'm not at home.
I'm very insecure, and this guy is so tenacious. I don’t really know what happened between them.
Third Party Threat
Disconnecting the phone won’t stop your husband from seeing this guy if he wants to.
And a tenacious stalker doesn’t prove that your man’s bisexual, but IS a potential threat to your household peace, and maybe your relationship, too.
You have the right to answers, which you must demand from your husband. Do not be defined by insecurity. If the intrusions persist, you can threaten to go to police about his stalking your home. Both men need to be told this.
If your husband is bisexual, it’s something you need to know, to determine how it affects your marriage. It doesn’t prove he’s had an affair, but if he’s going to bring such disruptive and upsetting people into your life, you need to consider your options.
Stay strong to insist on answers… you are owed them, at the very least.
I’m a woman, 54, who’s spent the last 18 years building a career and tending to family. But I neglected to build a social network for myself.
I now find myself with a few acquaintances, but no one to go to a movie or travel with.
How do I build a social network at this stage?
The operative word is “build.” You have to make the effort, spend some time at it, and not expect overnight results.
Start with any interests you have outside your career, plus work associations that have a social aspect, like a designated charity.
Show up at events related to those interests and gatherings. Join a group that’s taking a class, or meeting regularly (e.g. a film or book club), or offer to be on a charity’s committee.
Smile and listen to what others are saying, and you’ll soon have someone you can ask to join you for dinner and a movie.
Tip of the day:
Life with an unreformed compulsive liar will destroy the relationship.