My boyfriend of ten years refused to buy a house with me. We never married because I wasn't interested... we're of different cultures, I was raising my niece, and advancing in my career. I loved him but didn't want to be a "wife."
It suited him fine, as he'd been married before, and it had been a costly divorce. Now, early-40s, I wanted to feel more settled. He wanted to move from our rented apartment with me, but not pay toward the down payment, though he'd still contribute to our monthly expenses.
I said no deal, but miss him terribly. I moved six months ago and enjoy my home, but it's not the same without him enjoying it too.
Would I be a fool to "invite" him to move in, without putting in any money? What should I do?
Talk to a lawyer, look at your finances, and listen to your heart. It's not as contradictory as you think.
A lawyer will tell you how to present your guy with a co-habitation agreement he can hopefully accept, e.g. one that states that if he moves in, and if you two break up in the future, you are the sole owner of the house. If he contributes to the mortgage as a shared living expense, you'll need to clarify how that is like sharing "rent," not ownership.
Or, over time, you may make allowances for him to "invest" in the house.
Talk to your banker or accountant regarding what contribution he needs to make for you to "afford" sharing the place, if it means extra expenses.
Then, go with your feelings, which appear to be deep regarding this man. After ten years, you changed your mind about other things, but apparently not about him.
My girlfriend's dating a man 12 years her junior. She's only left her husband two months ago, so I suspect she and this younger man started something before the break-up. Yet they're behaving and talking like they're meant for each other and that she'll be staying at his place until they buy a condo together.
I tell her it's only the passion of the moment, because of his youth and good looks, and also because she wanted to escape her marriage to a controlling older man.
But she insists that at 52 she knows her own mind and heart. Yet, though she's a smart woman, her husband of 20 years certainly took advantage of her with his set ways and constant demands.
I hate to see her go head over heels with this guy just for the sex, and be devastated when he moves on to someone young like him. Your thoughts?
You seem to be caught up in the image of a stud lover and wild sex, rather than who these two really are. She's 52, smart. He's 40, not a youngster. They say and feel that they're in love.
If it's a hot romance that'll cool, it's her right to experience it... she may be willing to risk all in order to distance herself from her past unhappy marriage.
Meanwhile, there's a lot ahead affecting her thinking - negotiating a separation agreement and divorce, finding and settling into a permanent place, etc.
Back off for now. She likely appreciates your caring but can't respond to your pressure, since this is what she wants/needs right now.
Stay connected - and get to know her guy without age bias against their union. In time, you'll all know whether this will last.
FEEDBACK Regarding the issue of Provocative Dress (Oct 12th):
Reader - "Through Girls' Respect Groups, our advice to women is to treat their body with care and as a treasure. Women (no matter what age) need to trust their gut in regards to what they wear, and always be aware of how they are conducting themselves in varying situations.
"However, for women of all backgrounds, their behavior and dress will be different in regards to the person they are, and how comfortable they feel in certain scenarios. That being said, women need to think about themselves, and they should not have to worry about how grown, adult, men will behave if they want to show some collar bone, some leg, or even some cleavage. Women embracing themselves is a right, and conducting themselves in a way that makes them proud is another right."
Tip of the day:
When confused, learn facts, and then pay attention to your feelings.