I’m a single mom with two boys (12 and 10) and “dating” a man for seven years. We take vacations together, see each other every second weekend and talk daily.
However, I want to get married or at least move in together.
He used to say that he couldn’t move in with someone with kids because he’d miss his daughter too much (she’s now 17).
He says that he loves me but doesn’t seem ready to move forward.
He also says he wants to be married by age 50 (three more years) but I don’t think I can wait anymore.
My kids think I should ask him to marry me.
I feel like our once-promising relationship is dying. Do I walk away or give him another deadline for a decision?
- Fed Up
Your kids are right on! After seven years, it doesn’t matter who proposes.
By asking him to marry you, it takes the stalemate beyond deadlines or ultimatums, to decision time. He’ll see that you know what you want and no longer wish to settle for less. You’re asking, not forcing.
If he still trots out his excuses of the 50-year mark or the daughter he misses, he’s barricading himself against change. In that case, the next move is yours… you either adapt to more of the same indefinitely, or make a clean break.
I was in love with my roommate who I lived with for one month then I had to move further uptown due to my job. I continued to visit and contact him.
While on vacation, he visited a foreign country where he reunited with his lady friend and got married. He’s now a father and waiting for her to immigrate here.
It’s been two months and I still feel restless... I didn’t know he had someone on the horizon when he became my roommate.
I tried to be happy for them, yet am sad inside for myself. He was saddened by the way I feel.
I keep begging him to allow us to stay friends. I write him and sometimes bring gifts. Yet he’s distanced himself further, partly because of my runaway emotions when we meet in person.
Is it possible to regain the trust and friendship we had? I hate to lose both “love” and friendship at the same time.
Stop pining and face reality: The “love” was only in your mind, not his.
Now, you’re ruining any chance of friendship, by making him wary of seeing you, and possibly even afraid of your meeting his wife and spilling your emotions. Back off – no gifts, no contact other than one last call to wish him well and say that you’re moving on. Then, do so.
Turn that “restlessness” into energy directed at meeting new people. If you’re attracted to a guy, get to know him well enough to learn if there’s a mutual feeling and a clear field, before you build up expectations and fantasies.
My brother’s married to a woman whom I don’t get.
He was always so outgoing, but she’s reserved and aloof. He hardly ever calls or visits me.
How can I help him change back to himself?
- Distanced Sis
He’s chosen this woman, so unless you hear that he’s miserable with her, he IS himself.
If you want more contact, initiate it. If he doesn’t respond, assume he’s busy but happy, and try to keep the door open with occasional cards and calls.
I called an old girlfriend who I lived with for four years; she broke up with me 30 years ago and I never got over losing her.
Well, I recently found her listed in the phone book; when she learned who it was, she wouldn’t talk to me, but she didn’t hang up either.
Should I call her again? I wanted to see how life has been to her (she’s divorced) and to see her again.
Should I go for it or forget it?
- Still Broken Hearted
Don’t call - write her a note, and say that you want to see her as you never got over the break-up.
However, say that you understand that much may’ve changed for her in 30 years and you respect that she may not be interested in meeting.
Be clear that if you don’t hear back from her, you won’t call or contact her again.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship reaches a stalemate, someone has to take the courage to ask the right question.