I stayed married for fifteen 15 years, though my then-wife denied me sex, destroyed my property and repeatedly slapped me in the face. I was loyal and loving to her and her three children from her first abusive marriage. 

I still love and see those grown children. But I finally left.

She told everyone that it was because of the stress of my job, or that I may be gay, or bipolar (none true).

Does she believe her own lies? I’m confused by her motives but clear that I’m never going to live like that again.

- Seeing Clearly Now

This woman knew and accepted abuse before, and absorbed the model. Victims often identify that behaviour as what to expect in a relationship – for both give and take. She won’t recognize or admit this, unless she gets professional help. 

Meanwhile, she needs a cover story for losing the good husband you were. Ignore her lies.

My husband of 23 years (we have two children, ages 20 and 22) has a daughter, 34, who’s always shown up at my in-laws’ family events with her mother. I’m uncomfortable because the family allows this. 

Recently, the daughter took my mother-in-law to her mother’s house. Also, my brother-in-law brought the daughter (which was fine) and her mother to my father-in-law’s funeral.

My husband’s spoken to the family and his daughter, but they continue to disrespect me.

Now the daughter wants to finally get involved with my kids; they don’t have anything to do with her but she says we’re getting older and need to spend time together. Too late!!

What can I do to heal myself? I get sick whenever she’s coming over.

I’ve already forgiven her time and time again.

- Distraught

There’s been disrespect on both sides. 

This daughter needed her mother to stay part of the life she had with relatives on her father’s side, and you took it personally. But it was about her, not you.

Your marriage stayed intact, you raised your children without interference, so ask yourself why it was such a big problem in your mind.

Look to the missteps by you and your husband as contributing to this issue - HE could’ve worked harder to help his daughter understand that his new family didn’t negate the old one. And that her relationship to her mother and their long connection to his parents was respected.

YOU could’ve been less insecure as a step-mother and helped her see there was no need for divided loyalties, she was welcome in your home, and her relationship to her mother was understood.

Forgive again, fully, and try harder to live it.

I’m 29 but look much younger, so why do I always attract men much older than me (40s and 50s) who don’t interest me? 

I’ve dated men my age or younger, but after my last break up, haven’t attracted any others.

I feel like a teenager asking this, but how do I get men my age to notice me?

- Wrong Vibes

Examine your patterns: where you hang out, how you dress, the way you start conversations. First impressions are important, and you may be presenting yourself initially in a manner that’s off-putting to some younger men – e.g. very serious-minded, looking expensively high-maintenance, etc. 

Of course, you must be yourself, but if you want same-age guys to be attracted to get to know you better, avoid signs of aloofness or intimidation.

Above all, smile and show your own interest in these men.

I’m a white female facing racism from my friends, my boyfriend’s mother, and people I meet. 

It hurts and alienates my and I. People make us feel stupid because we’re white. They mention how, if America has an African-American President, we’ll finally be in the minority.

It makes me sick to my stomach how they label us so meanly. I don’t see people for the colour of their skin, but for the content of their character.

I just wish everyone else shared these views.

- Not Racist

If you’re truly open-minded, these comments should simply reinforce your belief that colour – including being white – doesn’t matter to you. 

Here’s a response to end the labeling: “Personally, I care about the American President’s character and capabilities, not his colour. I also feel the same way about you and me, and that all citizens, minority or otherwise, should have equal rights.”

Repeat often.