I’m 20, dating a great guy, 27, for ten months. However, if he doesn't find a job here by December, he's leaving the country. Also, I may be going on exchange to Europe from February to August.
It seems our relationship has an expiration date! I have no faith in long-distance dating.
This guy’s done so much cool stuff that I want so badly to do myself… e.g. traveled lots, he's from the Caribbean, had his crazy early-20s phase, which is just beginning for me.
I wish he’d just be crazy with me, instead of being calmer and over it.
I like him. But I can't stop thinking about our inevitable breakup. I know these feelings are about me, and not about him.
Muddled in Montreal
These feelings ARE about the reality of where you are in life – young and eager for adventures, and not ready for a long-distance commitment.
Base decisions on exchange programs and courses on your needs, for continuing your education as well as having new experiences.
Advancing your own ability to become independent is a greater guarantee of future opportunities, than seeking random ways to “go crazy.”
Since he’s a great guy, stay in contact. But don’t base your whole future on where he’ll be.
I’m 27, a student, living with my boyfriend 45 minutes from my family.
I had health issues so couldn’t work over the summer. My boyfriend and I each have our own cars – necessary where we live (and I can’t drive his gear shift).
Recently, my mom moved away for a job opportunity and my dad gave her his car since hers needed work. He also got a job.
My sister lent him her car (she also moved back home).
Since I wasn’t earning, I didn’t drive much to save money. I got a lot of slack from my sister who couldn’t understand why I wouldn't give over my car.
I explained that it was inconvenient being stuck in my apartment with no option for getting around.
She thought I was very selfish. I’ve lent my car on occasion. She can easily get around the city without her car.
Dad’s getting my mom’s car fixed, but using my sister’s car meanwhile.
Whenever she texts me to bring over my car for Dad, so she can take hers, I feel anxious. It's always short notice and a lot of hassle. My boyfriend then has to drive there too in order to bring us back (he works long hours).
Am I being selfish for not always saying yes?
I don't know if I'm in the wrong or my sister is. I don’t want it to destroy my relationship with her.
She’s winding you up because she knows you’ll react, and she’ll hopefully get what she wants.
The obvious solution is for your father to finish getting your mom’s car fixed. Perhaps you and your boyfriend can find a mechanic outside the city (someone cheaper? faster?) to help speed along the repair.
Your sister’s annoyed because you appear less inconvenienced than she feels. Living at home, the car issue’s in her face every day.
Help out when you can, and do so generously, not grudgingly.
Rise above her jabs. You’ve made your explanation, so just say, when it’s impossible, Sorry, can’t do it this time.
Anxiety and guilt aren’t good for your health issues. Tell her this, in a kind way (not blaming or needy). It’s a reality while you’re trying to get healthy again.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman sexually assaulted by a man she’d dated (July15):
Reader #1 – “He left her with bruises. He’s a predator and rapist. If she feels emotionally able to report to police, she should, and he should be criminally charged for his crime!
“She said that when he started to hurt her, she asked him to stop and he didn't. That’s rape! Someone can stop consenting and if another person ignores it, they no longer consent, and it’s rape.
“That’s the message she needs to hear. If one is sexually assaulted in any way, they must not blame themselves.”
Ellie – From the way she described the dinner date and the heavy petting that led to sex, I said that she had (apparently) consented to sex, “but not to assault.” And I urged her to still report it.
I agree with this view that at the point where the woman said, “Stop,” it became a criminal assault.
Tip of the day:
A young romance shouldn’t end pursuit of education and personal opportunities.