During 18 months dating, she cheated twice, related to her huge fear of feeling abandoned. 

She was always suspicious of me.

She doesn’t drink often, but always drinks to excess.

She lied, she manipulated, she yelled, and threw things.

I insisted she go to counselling as a condition of getting back together. She convinced the counsellor that I was the problem, projecting a lot of her problems onto me. It helped nothing.

I was told about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and, from my research, think this may apply. I want her to get tested. How do I convince her she may have this disorder, and how do I ensure I maintain my sanity in the process?

- Still Caring

IF she’s concerned about her own behaviour and pattern of relationships, you could as a friend recommend she look into this. But pressing the matter further, or pushing this lay diagnosis at her, could backfire, causing her to suspect YOU of manipulation, and confirming her most negative view of you. 

If you care enough to not be concerned about your image, let her know that BPD, or any other personality disorder that affects mood swings, can be managed, usually through behaviour modification treatment and medication.

You can share your research, help her find a specialist, then bow out, at least while she goes through the process of coming to terms with this, herself.

I’ve always been treated differently from my three siblings, though my parents deny this. 

They’d knowingly miss important events (graduations, sports events), and yell at me more. I was always a straight-A student, never got into trouble; my siblings have partied more than me, been in trouble with the law, been unemployed, I was the first to get a part-time job at 16 - so financial support was stopped.

I’m now 27 and about to get married.

My parents tried everything to stop our dating. I understand their problems with his being of a different religion, but they’ve treated us both so poorly I’ve started speaking out. (For years, he was forced to hide in the basement when relatives came over so they wouldn’t know I was dating him).

We’ve been together for seven years!

They say they love him and welcome him as part of the family, but I still get grilled on where I’m going, why I have to be out so long, even when I’m with his parents.

I’m the only sibling who’s had to go through this. I’m ready to stop talking to them all, parents and siblings, after the wedding.

Should I give up, and look forward to my new life?

- Fed Up

You’ll be happiest in your new life if you at least try to resolve your anger and resentment. 

Your parents may’ve seen you as more special than the others, and made higher demands; you’ll not know the answer to the “why” of their attitude unless they’re willing to go to family therapy with you, and that seems unlikely.

But YOU have the opportunity to change your outlook – by living independently with your husband, and setting boundaries you can handle for how much they’re involved in your life.

You two need to set the limits – whether a weekly dinner, or less often; daily phone calls or only on weekends; responses to any questions about finances, etc.

Once you’re in charge of your own life, you may find it much easier to deal with family members.

My best friend and her boyfriend broke up; each wants the other to move out. 

She’s more responsible about paying the bills.

He often can’t pay his share.

Almost everything in the apartment is hers.

Her ex is very angry - he says he’ll make living there hell for her by having his friends over late, every night.

How should she handle this?

- Conflicted

She moves out, he takes over the apartment lease, she removes her name from it, and the bills are his problem. 

She should NOT be there, living with a hostile ex in a divided camp (see the movie “War of the Roses,” with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner; it ends badly.

However, if they’re officially common-law (depending on jurisdiction), she needs legal advice as to whether she needs to pay towards their accommodation, for how long, and how to divide whatever items were bought together.