My best friend’s been dating someone new, seeing him often. She’s 34, doesn’t stay single well, or for long.
When she introduced me to her new guy, I was immediately concerned. He seemed wired, she said he was hyper but she liked his high energy. I’ve seen a few party scenes in my time, and I believe he was on drugs of some kind.
My friend’s a marathon runner and fitness freak, but that came after going down that other road herself, many years ago. If she ever does drugs since then, she gets deeply depressed after, feels a failure, etc.
I believe this guy is so dangerous for her, but how do I convince her? She’s miserable when he doesn’t call, then more miserable after she sees him!
Tell her your concerns. But don’t put yourself in the position as rescuer. That leaves her with the belief she has nothing to do about this herself except call you when in need or trouble, feeling miserable, etc.
Suggest she go back to whatever route helped her stop using drugs in the past – e.g. a drug addiction support group, drug rehab treatment centre, or counselling. She’s caught in the spiral again with this Candy Man as part of the allure connecting drugs to romance - a false but “fatal” attraction.
Give her the number of local drug addiction support groups, and also keep some help numbers handy.
Be prepared, if necessary, to get a family member or close other friend onside, for an intervention if this guy’s - and/or the drugs’ - grip tightens.
My fiancé’s very vulnerable to anything and everything his youngest child says, wants, and demands.
She’s 16, and fairly immature, overweight, unhappy, always fighting with her mother with whom she lives, and leans heavily on Dad, sometimes calling twice a day.
His son, 19, is a balanced young man, gets along with his mom despite how difficult she can be, is respectful to me, and deals with his father in a far more mature, non-intrusive way, and they enjoy each other’s company.
But whenever his daughter comes over, the whole house including me is caught up in her tension and dramas.
Will this change as she gets older and settles into the divorce’s reality (they split four years ago)? Or, is this her pattern?
It’s not unlike her mother’s way of holding her husband in the past, through insecurity and histrionics.
Lucky you that his son is already comfortable, respectful, and mature.
The step-mom role isn’t easy, but the turmoil a teenager goes through is a lot harder. In many cases, all the “truths” of the past shatter into secrets and lies through a parents’ split (as in, “we’ll always be there for you…” when in fact, dad leaves and lives with another woman).
Show this girl compassion (that doesn’t mean she has license to destroy the house). Help her father in reassuring her of his love, plus adding in your friendship and caring, without trying to replace her mother.
Don’t focus on the overweight, try to rise above her dramas, understand that she must live with her mother’s difficulties and still be loyal to her.
Her father and mother should try to help her through getting her counselling. If the mother won’t cooperate with this, father and daughter should discuss going together for their own relationship. In time you may want to join in, for family therapy to help in the new dynamic for all.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who was extremely intolerant of some sounds (Sept. 14), and in light of the “aloneness” feeling expressed by others who seek more information and research on this topic (Oct. 9):
Ellie Note - The following is from Judith T. Krauthamer, scientist and author ofSound-Rage. A Primer of the Neurobiology and Psychology of a Little known Anger Disorder. These are her opinions which can be found in that book:
1) Misophonia is a developmental, neurological condition. This is true for all sufferers, not just in some cases.
2) Some psychologists misdiagnose the disorder misophonia as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because both disorders have in common hyper vigilance (being on the constant lookout for triggers).
3) The disorder is not an anxiety disorder. It is uniquely an anger disorder.
4) There is absolutely no physical pain from misophonia. You might be confusing this with painful ear from loud noises, or hyperaccusis.
Tip of the day:
Instead of being “Rescuer” to someone flirting with danger, connect him or her to professional supports.