My friend since high school isn’t speaking to me. Two years ago, I noticed he was brushing me off with a “busy, can’t talk,” not returning my calls or texts.

But I hadn’t known – because he hadn’t told me – that he was going through a marriage break-up.

We both work in finance and don’t generally just chat, but if we’d gotten together I would’ve picked up what was going on.

I never even heard rumours, possibly because I’m still single and my other friends are from work.

By the time I finally bumped into him downtown, he was angry with me for not knowing!

Two years later he’s fully divorced, living with someone else, sharing custody of his kids, and still very cold and distant.

I’ve apologized for not knowing, reached out to get together, but the freeze remains.

Friendship On Ice

Divorce is unsettling, traumatic, guilt-inducing.

He may be caught up in all the changes of child custody issues, or generally angry as a way of deflecting some of the guilt or hurt over how he and his kids have been affected.

Meanwhile, because you’re single, he may feel you can’t possibly understand.

His evidence: You weren’t there for him (never mind that you didn’t know).

Try to re-build contact slowly, without starting back at the beginning with apologies or explanations.

If there’s a sports event or concert coming up that would’ve been a natural for you two to attend, send a text that you’d love to do this together and will get the tickets.

Another time (even if that try didn’t work), arrange a small-group guys’ night – say, a few of your past schoolmates plus you two.

If he shows, be casual and act with him as you do with everyone else.

When is it time to just give up?

When you don’t care anymore. Until then, try again.

 

One of our adult children carries a lot of underlying anger towards us for the way we parented him/her (no identifier) as a teenager.

They were tough years and we made our mistakes and have apologized. But it keeps resurfacing, sometimes with snide remarks and sometimes full confrontation.

We’ve said that we’re not going to keep allowing this. It’s stressful. We'd like (him/her) to manage feelings better and be respectful.

We can see the struggle in this adult child.

Is there anything more we can do or say? We feel torn between his/her hurt and our own boundaries.

There was never any physical abuse but we were hurtful with our words on a couple of occasions.

Slings and Arrows

You obviously hit a sensitive area that can’t easily heal. And your then-teenager may’ve let this hurt fester over the years and blamed other disappointments, and even his/her own failings on those wounding words.

Therapy is likely needed, to get past it. But you can’t suggest this as if the “fault” and fall-out no longer has anything to do with you.

Say that you so deeply care to resolve the past that you and your spouse are willing to go for family therapy together with him/her.

It can be a chance for all of you to better understand your own part in this divide and apologize more openly.

But if that isn’t accepted, allow for one chance for that child to vent and you to apologize again.

Then insist that contact can’t go on if there’s continued disrespect and battles.

FEEDBACK Regarding getting children to love reading (Sept. 28):

Reader – “With my four kids, learning the value of books and reading as a habit was to see me reading.

So, any or all of these activities proved both healthy and necessary:
a) “couch-potato” time, for all the family, should (must) be restricted
b) visiting a library regularly

c) watching authors’ readings

d) shopping for books and buying some

e) being part of an exchanging and/or trading library

f) joining reading groups

g) audio books while exercising or walking the dog

Another positive was for us to hang out in the evening, all of us reading our books, the stereo on (playing classical music, if I could get it past the kids' “censor board”) until it was time for bed.

Friends frequently stopped by. They'd join us in the family area and the kids got to learn some manners and some social skills, along with their reading.