I've been married for 20 years and have teenage children; my wife knew I was gay before we married.
She's frigid (not initially) and was sexually abused as a child.
I felt trapped, until three years ago when she became more independent and reluctantly suggested an open marriage and separate beds. I've since met a divorced man whom I see frequently but never overnight. My wife knows. She distances herself, but we get along well.
I'm happy with our current situation but she says it's "so-so." I'm hoping to share this secret with our children in time. But my wife is adamant against it, saying, "Over my dead body, because it'll destroy them."
What should I do?
- Prefer Honesty
There's honesty; and then there's Too Much Information. This is NOT the time to reveal parental sexuality secrets to teenagers who're sorting out their own attitudes and feelings about sex and sexuality.
Wait until the children, as they mature, begin to sense things and come to you with questions. Hopefully you and your wife will have agreed on how much you each want to reveal of your very personal details.
Also, your marital situation is still undergoing changes; if you two ever separate, more will be apparent to your then-older children and you'll be able to discuss your orientation with them.
However, if you insist on telling all too soon, your wife will likely be upset enough to call a halt to this current set-up. If that's what you secretly want, tell her this, not the kids.
My husband's background is Italian and whenever we go to his parents' house I feel excluded because they speak Italian constantly. But both parents can speak English!
My husband thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing, yet his mother leaves messages in Italian on our home voicemail, addressed to him only.
Though my parents have a European background, we communicate with them in English.
I've asked repeatedly for a translation but am always ignored.
Is there any way to make it clear to everyone that it's rude to speak in another language when someone present can't understand the conversation?
Next incident, say this loud and clear: "Io Non Capisco." It's grammatically-correct Italian meaning is, "I don't understand" (neither their words, nor their intent). Then say, in English, "And I feel hurt and excluded when you purposefully choose to converse as if I'm not here or I don't count."
If no one responds or changes their ways, you and your husband need to decide, as a team, how to handle the fact that his parents are insulting you.
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Recently, a friend asked if I'd seen the musical, "The Phantom." I said I had, but if she'd like to go I'd look into getting tickets (she couldn't afford them on her own). I purchased tickets and planned to surprise her on a future Saturday.
A week or so later, she told me "don't bother" as another friend had invited her to the show for the upcoming weekend. When I expressed my dissatisfaction, I was told I had spent my money unwisely because I hadn't checked with her first.
The reason she gave for accepting the alternate offer after asking me to take her was it was free, and would happen sooner.
My position is that she shouldn't have accepted another offer until she'd checked with me first, and that an apology is in order.
Am I wrong?
This is a case of "phantom" communication. In other words, clear expression is missing or misconstrued on both sides.
Your friend's original question was an indirect way of getting you to take her to the theatre.
Your surprise was based on an assumption - but no knowledge - that she hadn't other plans.
YOU should've told her about the date sooner… even asked her if she was free before you paid for the tickets.
SHE should've told her other friend she had to check with you first, since she'd already raised the suggestion. If you can, take a different friend, or give the tickets away to someone who'll appreciate your generosity more than she did. But forget the apology, as you helped muddle up this exchange.
Tip of the day:
Parents' sexual secrets shouldn't be disclosed to children who aren't mature enough to handle the information.