Dear Readers – A question from a woman self-named “On the Brink” – i.e. of cheating on her husband, as she’s already advertised online for “flings” - brought many powerful responses (April 26):
Reader #1- “I'm male, 35, attractive, fit, and a good earner. Women like her are the reason I don't want to marry or risk having children with the typical self-absorbed North American woman.
“A woman who can state, "I'm married to a wonderful man, we have great sex despite having small kids, YET...." makes all men shudder.
“The need to feel "attractive" is more important than wedding vows, her children’s happiness, and the structure of the entire family. It makes me want to stay single and adopt.
“Why are so many women so insecure, they’ll throw it all away to feel sexy for a moment, and why do they feel that honesty with their man is an impediment to their own happiness?”
Reader #2 – “Your advice to "On the Brink" is just going to fly over her head. She doesn’t care about STDs (sexually-transmitted diseases which you mention); she cheated even before the kids.
“Her problem’s low self-esteem… she needs the attention and, as she says, she gets a high from other men’s attention.
“She risks losing the trust of this "wonderful” husband, and maybe her kids too, from a divorce. Only then will she realize the true consequence of her actions. Because she (admittedly) got away with it before, she’s tempted to try again. Someday her luck will run out. There’s something lacking in her marriage and they need to figure it out.
“I know, because my wife did the same to me, but our problem wasn’t that I ignored her needs for attention. She sought it in the arms of at least two other men.
“We’ve been through counselling and I decided to forgive, but I can never trust her as before. There’s always this thing between us now which I cannot completely forgive since I’ve been totally faithful since I met her.
“I found the two guys and emailed them to stay away. What baffled me was that both were married and have young kids. One was a business owner and hockey nut, and presents this (online) image of a man of his word. In reality, he’s a deceptive, low, sneaky guy. He wanted to buy a phone for my wife so that they could continue, without my tracing whomsoever she called.
“The other man works a few days at home, started their affair in a hotel, then asked her to come to his house, he’d pick her up at the mall. All while the kids were in school and his wife at work. He was teaching my wife how to cover up emails, chats, phone display, photos, etc.
“Both guys had the same lines, like a Cheater’s Handbook… e.g. "you loaded the gun, I pulled the trigger.”
“Hopefully, for me, that’s all over now, and my wife realizes my love for her.”
Reader #3 – “I’m a therapist and believe that this “femme-fatale” may have a sexual addiction that’s far more complicated than immaturity. The risk-taking she’s willing to handle is one of the indicators.
“Regardless of whether it’s an addiction, there are issues she needs to explore in order to understand why her needs aren’t being met in her current relationship.
“Sounds to me like some time with a good therapist to explore what the sexual exploits are really about, would help her and her relationship.”
Reader #4 – “I’ve been on the receiving end of my husband's multiple affairs over 17 years, and done extensive research. This woman’s addicted and won’t have success at breaking out of her patterns until her behaviour’s exposed.
“The next time she strays could be when she brings home an STD, becomes pregnant, or as you mentioned, meets someone who’ll harm her.
“She must tell her husband about her past affairs. It should be his choice whether to help her with her problem, or leave. Otherwise, he’s unknowingly engaging in extreme risk.
“Her choice to cheat has nothing to do with the husband. She’s focused only on herself and her addiction to attention.
“On the Brink has already dropped off the edge. She needs to tell her husband, and work on her broken self-image, whatever the cause, before she does any further damage to her children, husband, friends, and family.”
Tip of the day:
An addiction to “attention” brings risk to everyone involved with the cheater.