My boyfriend of six months and I are both mid-20s. The relationship’s been wonderful, but rough too, as I have to help him along with his behavior.
Example: Some things he says and does can be quite harsh, and I have to ask, "Is that what you intended… because you hurt my feelings?”
He'll immediately say no, and change his behavior, and it’ll no longer be a problem.
Meanwhile, I've yet to feel "integrated" with his friends and family. I feel he keeps me separate, which indicates he's not that into me. I've met a few friends, but he doesn't invite me to friends’ birthdays, group outings, etc.
Yet I've invited him out with my friends several times, and we've gone. His explanation for his exclusion: "I don't want you to feel awkward." After we had the conversation, he's been indicating that he's trying to change (it’s been two weeks), but we haven't been out with his friends, yet.
He also said he’s going home for a few days for Christmas and he didn't invite me. This is ok, the relationship’s new, but I don't feel he's enthusiastic about me or wants me to meet the important people in his life.
Should I give him a chance to see where it goes? He also hasn't told me he loves me yet and it's upsetting me. I haven't told him because I feel he should say it first.
Slow Buildup Hurts
Decide whether you feel he’s the right guy for you long-term, or you’re mostly impatient to hear how he feels now.
IF he’s the guy you want for sure, tell him so. His reaction will say a lot. He may not be ready for as serious a commitment as you are, even if he enjoys the relationship as it is. Or, he’ll hear you say how much it matters to you to be included with his important people.
He’s a quick student to your behavior lessons, so if he responds positively, you can be the first to use the “L” word.
I'm female, in my early 20's, and when my family emigrated here I was shy throughout my schooling. I never went to parties or clubs.
I still don’t have friends, and am very depressed. I'm currently not working or studying, so there’s no way to meet anyone. I'd like to change things but feel heaviness and despair.
I urge you to phone the Distress Line in your area when you feel despair. A trained responder will be at the other end to listen, and help you find some resources to help you.
You’re not alone. A lot of people get lonely and sad at this time of year, as the light of day gets shorter and affects moods, and the hype about celebrations of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years’ suggests that everyone else is surrounded by friends and family.
The reality for most people is making an effort to rise above dark moods, and then building a support network.
It may be wise to start with a doctor’s visit to help you handle low moods. Then, seek support from anyone close to you in family, or from your community, by taking part in a local event or activity.
Or, ask direction from a faith leader who can connect you to others of your faith. You just need to make a start, and the #1 place is a Distress Phone Line. You can Google this in your local area.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman considering cheating/ divorce due to her husband's inability to perform because of his deadly disease (Nov. 19):
Reader – “What happened to taking each other for better or worse, in sickness or health? Sure, not having intercourse poses a problem. But she needs help to come to terms with it.
“I’ve had health issues, which affected my ability to perform sexually. It was difficult for my wife. But are we married for sex, or because we love each other?
“That woman needs to get a grip on herself and realize that she might not have her husband for that many years. She needs counselling more than sex.
“She needs to learn how to live with the reality of what’s happened, and how she can support her husband in his situation. It does not help a man to know that she’s unhappy due to something he’s unable to provide.”
Tip of the day:
When a relationship’s future is unclear, ask the direct question.