I started dating a guy I met online two months ago. I felt an instant connection.
We met twice a week, after-work for dinner and a movie, and for lazy weekends.
We held hands and hugged openly. At home, we hugged, kissed, and petted, and I never felt pressured to have sex.
After two months, I felt comfortable to have sex, which I initiated. Everything seemed great.
Then I randomly Google-searched his name and found out that he’s married with a baby!!
They’re still married because the images I found were as recent as a week prior.
I sent him the things I’d discovered and ended contact with him.
What else should I do? Do I have a moral obligation to tell his wife? I have no idea how to feel about this.
Unwitting Other Woman
First rule of dating online: Check out anyone you want to meet, early on, and to the best of your ability. This guy was an easy “gotcha,” if you’d done your Google search right away.
It’s not news that there are scammers on the Internet.
Many people believe that you should alert his wife. Others disagree. In my column experience with the topic of whether to out a cheater, it’s often the wife who resents that no one told her.
I understand any desire you do have to out him. Also, there’s the question of STD’s – whether he’s passed any to you and/or is risking his wife.
Also, you’re likely not to be the only Other Woman in his life.
There are no hard and fast rules on how to respond. To move on from this, you want to continue having no contact with him, nor receive any threats in return.
However, if you still see his profile online in the weeks ahead, you could find a way to anonymously let his wife see it.
Whenever my 5-year-old daughter cries, my husband blames me, even though he usually has no idea why she’s crying.
Sometimes she's tired; sometimes she's being dramatic, or stubborn.
He comes into the room and says things like, he’ll put her to bed instead of me, and he asks, “Why do you make her cry every night?”
Then I feel like a bad mom, even though I know I'm not, and it humiliates me in front of her because he's making me look like the bad guy.
I rarely yell at her and she daily tells me how much she loves me and that I'm the best mom in the world.
This is causing problems in our marriage. He's gone working during the week and I’ve started dreading weekends because I know we’ll fight over this.
Parenting is a joint commitment, and most adults come to it with a lot of baggage from their own childhoods, plus whatever beliefs or philosophies they’ve added on.
That may explain some of what’s happening – e.g. his reactions to her crying, or your reaction to what you consider her drama making and stubbornness.
However, the atmosphere between you two is very important to her well being. If there’s less pulling between you, it’s better for all.
So, if he puts her to bed with less fuss, why not let him? It doesn’t mean you’re “the bad guy.” It means she wants more of her father’s presence, since he’s around a lot less than you.
Enjoy the break when he’s with her. If you don’t resist his efforts, there’ll be nothing to fight about.
FEEDBACK Regarding wills (December 28):
Reader – “I worked for years in the Estate and Will Departments of (Canadian) trust companies before retiring a year ago.
“Many people think that funeral instructions in a Will are iron-clad and must be followed, but that's not true. Funeral instructions are not legally binding on the executor of the estate.
“This is because when someone dies, funeral arrangements are usually made quickly, and it’s sometimes uncertain if and where a Will exists.
“Also, some funeral wishes are difficult, awkward, or even impossible to fulfill. Or the family may be very upset with a funeral instruction.
“So the court won’t hold any executor legally culpable for not following funeral arrangements.
“Solution? Put funeral instructions in your Will but realize that your executor isn’t legally bound to follow them. Advise the appropriate persons where you’ve left your Will, or a letter expressing your wishes.”
Tip of the day:
Online dating carries risk. Do as thorough a check as possible early on.