My boyfriend’s addicted to porn; he knows this but won’t stop. He says it’s because I’m a workaholic and stay late at my office, but it’s the reverse situation - I stay late because I can’t stand coming home to the same-old scene of him on the couch smoking pot and glued to porn videos.
He’s been unemployed for six months. After a few attempts to get work, he reverted to this porn habit from his high-school days. Is there any chance for us to be “healthy” together again?
Sick of This
Healthy again? Not unless you both end these different but divisive addictions. His entrenched porn/pot habit calls for serious professional help, which HE has to want.
That isn’t likely unless he’s shocked into caring again… e.g. if you take a break and/or just end it, leaving him to fend for himself (it may move him to find a job a lot faster).
But meanwhile, you need to end your own excess attachment to work, through which you’re hiding instead of facing reality.
This is currently a very unhealthy relationship for you - you’re getting no personal support, interest, or companionship.
Also there are legal downsides for you if you’re in a jurisdiction where common-law splits may call for supporting the partner who earns less. Get informed about this.
Then save yourself… and hopefully, that’ll also help him.
I was in love with a man who was 16 years older than me, but I didn't want to get involved because he was, at the time of meeting, a teacher. I was 20.
I wanted to be friends with him only, but he kept pushing for it to be a relationship.
I eventually started a sexual relationship with him. I thought he’d marry me, but it turned out, his stated reason for not marrying me was that he was gay.
I’m still feeling lost. It's been over 20 years. I hate him. I don't know how to get past this anger. What should I do?
Stuck Way Back
Rejection when young is deeply hurtful; it’s no wonder you felt so lost, then.
But in reality, and in retrospect, this was different from rejection… it was abuse by a professional who harassed and took advantage of your innocence. You could still talk to police about whether he could be charged.
For your own emotional health, it’s even more crucial that you talk to a counselor. This hurt has stayed with you too long, and stifled your moving forward with a clear belief that you have value far beyond this man’s shabby exploitation.
See a counselor as soon as possible… one can be accessed affordably through a community agency, employee services, your doctor’s referral, pastoral counselling through your faith, or search through findatherapist.com for your local area.
I’m talking to this guy, but found out he has a girlfriend. I kind of like him, and sometimes when texting him, I feel like his second choice.
I’ve asked him if he doesn't want to talk any more, but he always changes the subject whenever I ask him that. What should I do?
#2 in Visalia, Calif.
You should stop texting him. He has a girlfriend. Learn now, while obviously still young, to not put yourself in second place and then feel badly about it.
Maybe he’ll be interested in you later, if he breaks up. But it’s less likely to happen if you’re always there in his face… a little mystery brings more interest. Back off.
My partner cheated and we’ve been trying to work through the trust issues. He has trouble trusting people, which led to his straying.
He’s ashamed of his behaviour and doesn’t want to see certain people whom I confided in - particularly my older brother.
My brother says I should just leave him, but I don't want to do that. However, I can't go through life having to keep the two men separate all the time. What should I do?
Between Lover and Brother
Your brother means well but can’t dictate your personal decisions.
Meet with him alone, appreciate his caring, but ask if he knows any reason he hasn’t revealed, why you shouldn’t give your partner a second chance
If he has no valid reason other than concern, assure him – and yourself – that your partner’s focusing on issues he must confront, not on whom he has to avoid.
Get them together again at larger family events.
Tip of the day:
When two elephants in the room block connection, at least one needs to leave.