Recently, my husband of 15 years (no kids) said he'd joined a pen pal website and eight women responded. He swore it was just to make friends from different cultures and encouraged me to read and see how harmless his emails were.

He lied. I snooped and found a separate folder for a woman, single, mid-20s, from halfway around the world. He'd told her he was happily married but they quickly developed a very close bond.

He sent a sexy photo of himself on the beach and asked for a bikini photo in return. She said she didn't want to interfere with his marriage.

I asked if he was going through a mid-life crisis. He immediately deleted his profile on the pen pal website but he didn't show me the emails with this woman.

He said he became depressed after his birthday (early 40's) and that life is boring. He started working out, changed his diet, and determined to look and feel like he did in his 20's. He wants time and space to sort out his problems. But his latest emails express determination to pursue a relationship with her.

I can't confess that I've read those emails or he'll never trust me again. He's written her that he wants to meet her soon.

We were best friends who did everything together, and rarely argued. Do I wait it out and hope she rejects him? Or should I be pro-active to try to stop this? If we divorce, I'll be financially okay but he won't be able to retire as comfortably as he'd planned.

Love Him Dearly

Fight for your man! Wait-and-see is the "boring" response he's trying to flee. He wants passionate engagement - so yell, cry, tell him you also want your life together to be more exciting, less about retirement plans, and more about romance NOW.

(The "woman" may not even be female or mid-20s. In countless Internet scams, gullible people are eventually manipulated to send money or sponsor someone's immigration bid.)

Yes, you snooped, but he's been untrustworthy too. Now insist you discuss whether your relationship can be saved.

If you can handle change, offer your willingness to make your lives more exciting - a sabbatical in another country, changing jobs.... whatever it takes to retrieve your husband from his fantasy flight.

I'm angry and resentful at my new in-law family, who all made my wedding planning HELL. They wanted to control everything and I'd sit there trying to be heard.

His sister lent him money, and invited over 100 of her friends to our wedding. We're paying off our debts, but now my husband wants to pay her back.

When I try to talk to my husband, I lose patience and we end up not speaking. He's not seeing what I see. I'm going to explode. He feels they did nothing wrong and constantly defends them.

Upset Bride

IF Sis truly invited her own guests, she should pay for them. But if you sat back mutely, it's up to your husband to decide whether to pay her back. Learn to speak up at the time, as exploding later is destructive to your relationship.

Talk about other things than his family and stop trying to get him to agree with you. He can see, too, but your criticisms put him on the defensive. Focus on being married instead of on being an unhappy in-law.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who's just started a new life after an abusive relationship (January.11):

Reader - "I was lucky, in similar circumstances, that my family was there to help me through the hardest of times. Though I'd pushed them away while I was in the relationship, and been isolated from them and my friends, they were there when I needed them most. I now have a stronger relationship with my sister, parents, and my closest friends. I'm finally able to stand on my own two feet (emotionally and financially). After a couple of years rediscovering myself, I have a good man in my life.

To all the mothers and fathers out there that see their adult kids go down a path that'll inevitably fail, don't walk away, push, or criticize, just be there to help pick up the pieces. If you make yourselves completely available and approachable, they will come to you.