I was involved with a cheater and liar for one and a half years, and can understand the concerns of those who are suspicious of their partners. My cheater repeatedly said, "Don't you trust me?"
He intentionally turned the spotlight off him and onto me, as to why I'm supposedly so insecure and incapable of trusting a man. But I eventually discovered that where there's smoke, there's fire. If the evidence is compelling, there's good reason to investigate further.
Many men are cunning, adept at cheating, and also skilled at manipulation by turning scrutiny onto the suspecting girlfriend/wife.
While my ex-boyfriend insisted on my being faithful to him, he was cheating on me from day one. I learned he was seeing other women whenever we weren't together; he was making late-night phone calls to lovers after we had spoken on the phone.
He also had several liaisons going on chat lines and dating web sites. He even had a membership on an adult web site that provided who-knows-how-many sex hook-ups.
When he left my home to supposedly spend time with his mom or siblings, he was actually meeting up with other women. He juggled several other women and was a pro at manipulating women. He was also devastatingly handsome, tall, buff, and had a velvet telephone voice.
Once he took me to a nice restaurant and excused himself at 9:30 PM to make a "business-related" phone call. I discovered it was to check in with another girlfriend; to tell her he was at a business dinner and he just called to say he's thinking of her and wishing he could be with her.
Far too many women are far too trusting. We can't imagine someone who tells us he loves us, then going off to meet other women and telling them the same. We're also afraid of confrontation when we question a man and he naturally turns to his best offensive defense - anger.
Women need to be alert and feel more powerful and confident about that which doesn't make sense. Don't you wonder if Elin Woods didn't suspect what Tiger Woods was really up to?
Been There, Smarter Now
Maybe Tiger Woods' wife didn't want to demean herself with hiring private detectives and living with snooping and mistrust. Sure, she would've learned the truth sooner had she done so, but she also would've had to endure the same public circus and scrutiny.
But let's be clear, that when we talk about cheaters, we MUST include women who cheat, who are manipulative, defensive and angry when questioned, just like men.
My usual response to suspicious partners is to wait until the evidence is clear. Inevitably the truth comes out, just as it did for Elin Woods. BUT, if you feel distrust, it's not the time for going ahead with wedding plans, getting pregnant, or buying a house together.
Moreover, if you cannot escape your suspicions, why torture yourself? Break up. A truly innocent partner will go through hoops to prove you're wrong.
But if someone starts off dating by questioning the other's every move and statement, he/she needs to consider whether this IS his or her own problem to explore.
Dear Readers, I'd like to hear from more of you about what happened when you suspected cheating. Were you ever wrong? Did you ever push a lover away because of unwarranted distrust? Please share your own perceptions on snooping to find a cheater: Is it always proven worthwhile?
My sister and I recently moved into a duplex apartment. Unfortunately, the couple who live upstairs wake up early on weekends and stomp around constantly.
We've mentioned it politely but the noise hasn't stopped. We understand they may not be aware of how noisy they are but we're losing sleep over it. What should we do?
If you can handle this politely, try a two-pronged approach: 1) record the sounds so you can help the couple understand the effect on you two; 2) offer some possible solutions that could help.
Example: Suggest they try wearing soft-soled slippers or socks at home, and you'll see if it helps. If not, ask if they'd please consider buying a rug.
If they refuse or nothing changes, get some ear plugs for yourselves and a machine that emits the sound of white noise because an ongoing neighbour dispute can be more stressful than sound.
Tip of the day:
It can become more demeaning to you to constantly mistrust, than to let a cheater make his/her own fatal mistake.