Following are questions leftover from my live chat on “Tough Relationships,” (October 9):

I’m dating a woman who’s well suited to me except that she wants ALL my free time. We’re both 40s, both divorced. My daughter, 14, lives with her mother. My new girlfriend hasn’t any children.

I talk to my daughter every night but feel I need to spend one weekend day with her.

My girlfriend says I’m just being manipulated to buy my daughter what she wants that day, whereas we have a new relationship to build. She says my daughter should fit into our life, once we’re more established as a couple.

Dutiful dad

Run. This woman has no empathy for your daughter or your need to be a decent father. She’s already labeled the girl as manipulative, without getting that your daughter’s using whatever means she can to stay connected with you. (It’s up to YOU to keep her feeling secure about your relationship and not “buying” her love).

Meanwhile, you girlfriend’s “speech” on building a relationship is self-serving. Your life already includes your child just as hers includes her family ties.

Frankly, she’s not “well-suited” to you, since she’s trying to cut out one of your primary connections, not to mention your responsibility to your daughter.

The guy I met online seemed terrific, until I noticed that all we do is hang out in his local bar.

He doesn’t get falling-down drunk, but that’s his only interest for an evening out. His two buddies are always there, too, and one wife sometimes comes along, but the guys mostly tease each other and carry on getting stupid. It’s boring.

I’m trying to get him to see a movie but he gets his back up if I say I’d rather not go to the bar again. He’s a gentleman with me, and I’ve been alone a long time. Any chance he’ll change?

Bar Maid

No. He’s an alcoholic. If you accept his lifestyle this early on, rather than be lonely, it’s the beginning of a co-dependency pattern. You get his boring company, and he gets to change nothing.

Confront him on his addiction. Say you would’ve liked to keep dating if he had any interests beyond bars and other drinkers.

Then end the relationship.

IF he takes this seriously and goes for addiction counselling, still stay apart for at least six months while he pursues sobriety on his own. He has to want to change, for his efforts to last.

My wife’s never satisfied with how I help out… like, the dishes are never scrubbed clean enough before going in the dishwasher. I fold laundry, but not as perfectly as she does. If I do errands, I never get exactly what she wanted even if it’s what she wrote on the list. Is this about her raising the bar too high or is it me she doesn’t think is good enough?

Critical Difference

She’s decided that she’s the household CEO. This often happens in situations when there’s an otherwise-silent power struggle, e.g. a wife stays home with kids but feels undervalued.

Or, if that’s not the case, it’s because your wife’s flat-out controlling and obsessive about those chores.

Talk to her about something else… like her personal goals, or how she can start following some personal interests, or get more time for herself. Keep trying till you hit the right button on her inner wish list.

Meanwhile, ignore her clean-freak critiques and consider hiring cleaning help as regularly as is affordable.

My mother turned 60 and decided she gets too stressed to drive anymore. So I must drive her to doctors, dentists, pet grooming, even groceries, though lots of places deliver (she insists she must choose food herself). I’m a single parent, work part-time, have two kids I drive to and from school, and am exhausted! I love her, don’t want her to have a car accident, but can’t keep this up. How do I stop it without losing our relationship?

Exhausted

Sounds like your mom’s scared. See her doctor with her about the stress; she may be experiencing depression and anxiety as well.

She also needs a physical check-up. Tell her it’s necessary, when there are changes like increased stress.

Meanwhile, offer a half-day of driving her that you can manage. Make appointments for that period only; include whatever can be handled, and nothing more. (Her preferred groceries can become a regular order).