I’m a divorced woman, 38, with three amazing teenagers. I’ve been in a long-distance two-year relationship.
He’s 50, controlling, wants to know how I spend my money, makes all the plans, says he’s the one paying, and always thinks he’s right.
We’re four hours drive apart, and meet every weekend, alternating where. The long-distance is taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and financially.
He finally offered to help me with my travel costs to him every other week, but I'm tired. We agreed to wait three years until my kids graduate high school, when I’ll move to him.
The age difference bothers me, also his health issues - diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart problems, overweight.
I'm healthy, fit, and well educated. I’m unsure whether to break up and risk losing someone who truly loves me.
Maybe your delight in raising “amazing” teens, covers for what’s NOT so great - your relationship.
Besides your own irritation, how do you think your children will enjoy a controlling stepfather who’s “always right,” and waves his money as proof?
The fact he loves you is NOT enough to hang on to for three years. You express concerns, and don’t mention loving him.
Move on, before you commit yourself further.
I knew my husband watched porn but wasn’t expecting my recent accidental computer find. There were 100+ videos for all kinds of XXX fetish porn including bestiality, teen sex, etc. There were also portals for rape fetishes. The videos seemed to be each at least an hour’s length.
He spends more time alone in the bedroom or computer room than with me. He has a chronic illness and has barely worked a year in our 15 years together. I feel this is more laziness and feelings of entitlement.
I’m now sick with possible brain tumours (doctors cannot biopsy them due to inoperable locations, so I’m just being monitored) and have been struggling to support us while he's spending money on porn. I eat one small meal daily because there isn't money for more.
I feel like I don't know who he is. I’m hurt and betrayed and cannot trust him. Though not frequent, I thought our sex life was good.
I rarely said No (a lot less frequently than he does) and was open to new things, even some I don't particularly like, but he does. Now, I cannot stand to share a bed with him.
I don't know what to do. But now I know what's more important than the wife with possible inoperable brain tumours.
Shocked and Disgusted
You’re scared, with good reason, and it’s about your health at risk, more than the porn (despite it’s vile nature).
The marriage has so far been all about him, due to his illness… until now.
You’ve long accepted his “laziness and entitlement.” You knew he was preoccupied with porn, but looked away.
Now the pressing issue is your natural fears about the tumours. You’re living in limbo, unable to tolerate his hard-core tastes, nor accept his distancing from you.
Tell him. You may not respect him anymore, but you could use support and understanding.
So long as you’re together, you both have needs for companionship. You’ve helped him for a long time and have every right to ask for similar consideration…. including his not ignoring you in favour of violent porn.
The stress of a break-up seems unwise presently (you’d still have to support him)… unless you find a peaceful haven with family or friends.
FEEDBACK Regarding the future bride who doesn’t know how to deal with in-laws who don’t speak English (June 11):
Reader – “For the bride-to-be who fears her in-laws, of a different religion, will sit ¨like robots¨ at the wedding: She should try to learn to speak a little of their language. It’d be a lot easier for a younger person like her to learn at least a little of a new language.
“Her fiancé could help her. It would go a long way in improving the relationship. Their son could also explain to them what to expect during the ceremony.”
Ellie – You’re so right. Any gesture on the part of the bride to include her fiancé’s parents, goes a long way to showing they have not lost their son, and are part of a new inclusive family.
She could also include some representation of his family’s religion in the service… something many mixed-religion couples do.
Tip of the day:
When the details of a relationship are all difficult, it’s time to move on.