My wife and I are together a long time. I know she's cheated on me, both before we got married and after. She refuses to discuss this. She has a history of lying to me about every interaction she's ever had with a male, whether personal or professional.

I've begged her to be honest and talk to me so we can work through this. She continues to refuse. Am I a fool for expecting 100% faithfulness, 100% honesty? I can't go on living like this, but she just won’t talk about any of this. Am I a fool for staying?

Tired of It

Talking about 100 per cent of fidelity and honesty is just a way of telling her she’s failed. And that you still don’t trust her. If you really want to stay married to her, you need a new approach.

I get the impression you ask a lot of questions about every male she encounters. Her “history” dominates the relationship, with no discussion of how to create a new atmosphere between you.

If you love her, say so. If you can let go of the past, tell her you’re willing to do so. You may need professional guidance, yourself, to start this conversation. And you’ll likely need counselling together to learn to communicate beyond interrogation and silence.

My sister and her husband have three grown children, all of whom they’ve spoiled.

The youngest is being sent away this fall to an expensive post-graduate program across the country. He’s bright academically, but never finishes a course, and is the most difficult and ungrateful of their kids.

At dinner gatherings, even when my husband and I are present, he’s openly rude to both parents and lashes out at his siblings. He uses the crudest language, makes nasty character attacks.

My sister says he has Borderline Personality Disorder, but she’s never had him diagnosed, she just said his behaviour matches what she’s read on the Internet. He refuses to see a specialist so isn’t being treated for BPD or anything else.

Recently, I lashed back when he called my sister the worst possible word, and she’s now angry with me!

Is there anything I can do as an aunt and caring sister to help this situation?

Wit’s End

This younger son is severely troubled with something and your sister is more at a loss about it than you are. So apologize – not for lashing back at him, but for disturbing her when she’s already bankrupt about how to respond.

Once talking easily again, suggest that she and her husband see a specialist in personality disorders to discuss the symptoms and what treatments are available. If her layman’s diagnosis is wrong, this experienced professional may have a sense of what the real diagnosis could be. Or there may be a medical problem that’s being overlooked by latching onto the BPD label.

However, it won’t necessarily get this adult child to seek help. The parents should see a counselor for their own situation – i.e. how to break the cycle of just indulging their children, and negotiate with this most difficult one to explore the behaviour and start some form of treatment in return for doing what he wants, e.g. being funded to go to graduate school.

It’s a complex family fabric that needs examining here, and, if they want their children to become independent adults, they need to start looking at how and why they let it get this way.

We’re a group of six girlfriends from college days, keeping up the contact, but one cancels out of everything we plan. We’re all busy women, all work, have kids. Yet no matter how far in advance we plan, she always drops out at the last minute.

Or, she’ll start emailing and texting everyone trying to change the date to suit her, even though reservations were made or tickets were bought, etc.

All of us like her, and want to stay friends, but she’s making us feel that she thinks she’s more important than we are.

Annoyed

Make your plans, buy the tickets (pay individually and tell her where to get hers). When she can’t make it, say, “Too bad. Maybe another time.” Do NOT change dates more than once. It IS hard for a group to coordinate every time, so allow one change, if it suits everyone… but that’s all. It’s her choice.