Last fall, my girlfriend of two years started her first teaching job and soon left me, breaking my heart. 

We got back together in December.

She eventually confessed she’d cheated with a teaching colleague (they also coach together) that fall, and it continued while we were separated.

She felt guilty and said that if I forgave her, she’d only speak to him if it was work-related, she’d look for another job next year, and not coach the same sports as this guy.

She now says she can’t promise to leave the school, and that she is doing the same coaching; I accepted this.

She’s happy at that school and nothing makes me happier than seeing her smile, but I noticed she sent him a text message about something not work-related, and semi-flirty. She said they’re friends, she can’t promise she won’t call or text him, nor avoid him at bars after the games.

What can I do?

- Lost

She’s a coach who’s playing both sides. Ex-lovers can be just friends, but some time and space is needed between the passion and the platonic, especially when there’s a hurt third party involved. 

Your girlfriend is not ready for the same kind of commitment you’re showing, nor nearly so concerned with your happiness as you are about hers. You’d be wise to take a break and date others.

If she wants to re-connect with you, she needs to convince you, and her colleague, that she’s on your team only.

For 18 months I was dating a man with whom I had intense chemistry, but not enough in common. However, I thought our feelings would over-ride our differences. They didn’t. I tried very hard to make him change. 

I realized, after ten months of living together, that he never would and I’d never be happy with him. He knew this also, and finally I left and moved hundreds of miles away.

However, he calls every day, and though I don’t miss him, I talk to him because I feel badly for leaving him. I feel guilty. He switches from talking nicely, to trying to convince me, to being angry and blaming me.

I think we should not talk for at least a month, maybe forever, but how can I stop feeling guilty?

This is a long pattern. I end a relationship for good reasons, and then I feel bad about it for ages.

- Self-Loather

Continue talking, on your own, to a counsellor, because it’s time to break an unhealthy, self-defeating pattern. There’s more to it that’s destructive than just the after-guilt. 

You’re also choosing people you want to “change” and staying with them awhile… thereby giving them false hopes that later makes feel misled and angry when you break up.

Apologize to this guy in one last conversation. Say that he has reasons to be hurt but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re not good for each other. Tell him he needs to find someone who appreciates him as he is. Then spend your energies examining why you’ve built into your relationships this template for ending them.

My sister and her boyfriend were both studying in Japan. She’s come home for her career, but he accepted work there. 

He says she can’t date because they’re still together.

What should she say to him?

- Confused

She should say, “Get real.” Unless they have a plan for regular contact, visits, and eventually being together, it won’t work.

I kicked out my boyfriend after I caught him cheating. But I have a baby with him, I see him everyday at work, and the girl also works there too. 

Six months later, he wanted to get back together, and I gave him another chance... last week he said again that we should just be friends.

He’s demanding that I not talk to ex’es, because he doesn’t want men around my son and I, but I need a life, too!

- Betrayed

You may need a lawyer, first. This man cannot make demands, threats or rules about how you live, beyond what legal arrangements you make regarding the child. 

Get legal advice, either directly from a lawyer, through a legal aid clinic or the court system. You need to seek child support and agree on his access to his son.

As for the relationship between you two, it’s over. He can’t be trusted.