I'm 34, and decided to try online dating.
I was upfront that I was looking for a relationship and wouldn’t have sex right away. On my dating site I said, only message me if you are real and single.
So I was happy when one man seemed like he was on the same page.
He was sweet and patient. We talked and messaged daily for over a month before we met, then waited to be intimate.
However, I couldn't get over my suspicions and paranoia that he maybe had a relationship in another city (his hometown).
He cancelled on Valentine's Day, saying that his father was in the hospital. When I got upset, he reassured me that he’d never lie about such a thing.
St. Patrick's Day, he cancelled again, had to head back home for another ten days. Other little things made me skeptical. I’d question him, and then feel foolish that I was pushing him away with my insecurities.
The last time we met, he came over right away to reassure me he really did sprain his ankle, playing hockey. He even limped around my apartment faking his sprained ankle.
I know that he was faking because his girlfriend of three years called me the next day (she was suspicious, too). I learned he doesn't even play hockey.
He doesn't even live in my city! He said he lived here and travelled to his hometown for family or work. Actually, he lives there and comes here for work.
The apartment he showed me (at my persistence) wasn't his. When I asked why it was so bare, he made me feel like I was crazy paranoid and he was working with me to get over my insecurities.
Everything was a lie. He talked freely about the future and he initiated our deleting our dating accounts and being exclusive.
His girlfriend and I talked. I sent her our emails (at her request) to show her that it wasn't just a one-time sex thing, like he claimed.
I sent him messages asking how and why he did this. He never replied. He was too busy trying to win her back.
I'm left baffled. If he wanted just sex, why did he choose someone open and honest about wanting a relationship? Why did he woo me with talk of how many kids we wanted and what religion we'd raise them? Why do this if he just wanted sex?
I know I should be grateful that I didn't waste years of my life with him, but I'm depressed and don't know how to get over it.
I'm grieving for the man he pretended to be, the future we were creating, also grieving the loneliness, and the rejection.
What steps do I take? I'm keeping busy with work and friends. I've not messaged him since. I'm trying to eat and workout. And yet I'm still plagued by wanting to scream!! I can barely think of anything else. I don't know how I'm going to trust again.
Shocked and Betrayed
You’ve been played by a master creep. Your instincts were good, but he’s a skilled and practiced liar.
You won’t get caught again. You can trust someone new, IF you don’t feel the same underlying suspicions (in which case you’d stop dating that guy).
Next time, you’ll make sure you get to visit his hometown and workplace, early into a relationship.
Keep seeing friends and keeping busy, but also see a therapist if your depression persists.
Don’t let this man knock you down.
My boyfriend of four years hasn’t told his parents we’re dating. He says he doesn’t discuss whom he’s dating with them.
We’re mid-30's, different ethnic and religious backgrounds.
He’s met my immediate and extended family, and my friends.
I’ve spent time with his brother, cousins and friends. I’m told, "his mother isn't going to like you."
I believe he lies to keep me from some events, because he’s nervous/scared that his parents will hear about me.
I’m happy with our relationship, but feel this situation prevents us from moving forward as a couple. I'm also scared that he may not feel the same way as me.
Wasting My Time?
Insist on his telling his parents and deciding if he’s in or out of this relationship. If he refuses, you are wasting your time.
Also, if he doesn’t feel as you do after four years, find out and move on.
Tip of the day:
Use a bad experience to solidify trust in your own instincts.