Five years ago, at 30, I made the mistake of marrying the first woman to show interest in me. We have no kids. I enjoy her company and care about her, but I’m not attracted to her. When we’re intimate, I have to fantasize about other women.
Divorce isn’t an option because, it’d devastate her and I couldn’t bear to see that. So, knowing that I’m stuck for the rest of my life; how I can manage this very sad situation I'm in?
- Trapped in Toronto
Do her a favour and leave. SHE shouldn’t be stuck with someone who feels “trapped.” She’s going to be devastated, more and more, each time she has sex with a husband who’s working up fantasies rather than connectedness.
You paint a tragic picture… for you! That’s self-absorption, not concern for her feelings.
Perhaps you lack courage to go it alone, since you grabbed onto the first woman interested. Find the integrity to be honest with her, now, when there are no children’s lives to consider. Tell her that though she’s a wonderful woman, you’re at fault for marrying when you weren’t in love.
Make a decent financial settlement, and set her free to find a man who’s thrilled to be with her.
I’m mid-20s, still at home, going to school; he’s early-30’s with a good job. A mutual friend introduced us to one another a year ago and from the first date there was a connection – passionate, loving and fast.
After four months, he started backing away; he broke up with me, saying that he couldn’t be “enough”' for me. I was sad, but tried to get over him.
One month later, he said he’d made the “biggest mistake.” We decided to try again and to make things different. Nothing changed. It started out amazingly, but after six months, he faded away.
This time he claimed that he could “never love me enough” as he can’t be with anyone and handle work stress. I said he shouldn’t contact me again.
The next day, he emailed his apologies and said he wants to try again. I told him to get counselling (to deal with the stress of his job- he works with troubled youth and children- and to figure out what he wants in life). He agreed.
If I go back with him, there’ll be huge consequences and turmoil as my family is very upset about the hurt he’s caused me. They even think he’s mentally unstable and might physically harm me, although he’s never even raised his voice.
I said I didn’t want to hear from him for six months while we figure stuff out.
I think about him a lot and now I feel I may have made a mistake. I really do love him. Should I try again? And how do we deal with my family?
You already addressed your family’s concerns with your six-month rule. But you must stick to it – no rushing back sooner, no heavy discussions about loving each other, which defeats the purpose of his dealing with his own stress and indecision on his own.
If, after six months he contacts you to say he’s sincere and committed, and you’re still interested in trying again, then he must apologize to your parents for having jerked you around twice before, and promise them that he intends to make this work. After that, you’re on your own together.
But remember, three strikes and he’s OUT, period.
My husband of three years and I teach at the same school.
Last semester a new female teacher took a liking to my husband who’s 20 years her senior.
I discovered they’ve been having a full-fledged affair. Worse, they were indiscreet and faculty and students knew. They’ve stopped seeing/contacting each other, but school is on again.
There’s no way our marriage can survive her effect on him.
She has no job protection. Should I expose her to administrators and possibly get her fired?
There’ll always be other young teachers, and even attractive students, if hubby is vulnerable to the flattery of youth.
Having her fired makes you his avenging guard… and not a nice person. Your husband is the problem. You can’t trust him.
Think through what your limits are for watching his behaviour, as well as your options, and tell him how much rope he has before you leave him.
Tip of the day:
Staying with someone when you feel trapped, only traps the other person too.