My husband and I are late-20s, married for a few years. We both have good, satisfying jobs in our fields, and we’re financially secure at this point.

I’m very ready to start a family but he’s not. He’s unsure when he’ll be ready. I know he’ll be a great father but he’s afraid of the resulting changes in our finances, lifestyle, and relationship.

We've been discussing this for years, but he’s not coming around. It's really starting to upset me, and putting a growing strain on our otherwise happy marriage.
Next Step?

Don’t let this become a major power struggle, rather than an issue you have to resolve mutually. He has as much right to not want to be pushed into fatherhood, as you have to want a partner who’s willing and eager.

It’s a debate warranting counselling rather than have this fester into a break-up.

Therapy will help each of you understand each other’s attitudes, how you developed them, and ways to approach your differences. You might even agree to leave the discussion for one year, to see if he feels more secure about finances and lifestyle then.

Or you may have to face the consequences that he might never change his mind. Fighting this out on your own now, however, will only maintain a divide where neither of you can be satisfied.

My children’s father has gained court-ordered joint custody and access. The children last spent an overnight with him in 2010.

He’s sold drugs; previously had his house raided by police, and never took a role in the children's lives. Now the court’s ordered access for every other weekend and summers.

My son, four, has come home bruised. Children’s services were called, but the children still had to go there.

My children have come home with their clothing smelling like marijuana. The police were called when their father pushed my mother and yelled obscenities. The children still had to visit him.

They’re now gone for ten days and my communication with my children has been cut by their father. Still, they must stay there.

I want to protect my children simply because I love them, and I can't. The court says they’re working within the best interests of the children. I disagree.

I’m an educated single mother working in health care, trying to be objective as possible, and trying to be as selfless as possible.

It seems my children have to suffer or have a tragedy in order to be protected.

Your Thoughts?

Keep a dated record of incidents that are worrisome, or that upset the children. If you can’t afford a lawyer experienced in child welfare cases, get to a legal aid clinic and ask them to look at this record with you and advise you.

The courts may feel that it’s “in the child’s best interest” to have a relationship with their father, and, unless there’s evidence of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, many children’s specialists would agree.

Unfortunately, you’re the one, then, who must monitor and find evidence of what you believe is truly harmful to the children.

But legal help can boost your case. You may also want to consider a psychological assessment of the children regarding this new circumstance of being with their father. Be prepared that they may prefer having some time with him than no time at all.

The courts then are left deciding whether such exposures to him are truly dangerous, or if estrangement is more emotionally harmful.

On our first date after meeting online, the guy turned out to be a close talker. Sitting opposite me eating dinner, he sometimes sprayed my face. I was afraid to ask a question, so kept talking about myself non-stop.

After we’d eaten, he asked me for my “half” of the bill though he’d suggested dinner when I’d said, let’s meet for coffee. Also, he chose the pricey restaurant. Should I let him know I think he’s a cheapskate and a jerk?

Disgusted

No. First dates after an online connection means both people are taking a chance, actually meeting a stranger.

When he sprayed, you should’ve spoken up and said politely that he’s talking too closely. Maybe he has a hearing problem, or he’s unaware in-your-face chat causes the offensive spray. If he then continued, you could’ve just emailed later that you don’t think you’re a match. If he contacts you, say just that.