Dear Readers - My Valentine's Day Relationship Recipe consists of ingredients whose necessary presence I've gathered from thousands of those who write me - the successes and the unsuccessful relationship stories you've shared with me over the years. Throw in my own life experience and the wisdom of many experts I've read and/or consulted, as follows:

Take - Two people who are naturally interested in one another, and have a healthy consideration of each other's views. Respect is the tastemaker here.

Let me be clear ... without respect, the result will sour.

Add - A readiness to listen as well as to share, and to try compromises in order to get along. The sweetener that comes from this approach is a positive attitude, heavy on trust.

Note: If one or both of you keeps testing that trust, the ingredients will separate.

Mix - Enough spice to blend and create something which is unique, and which reflects the desires of both.

Spice (also known as chemistry) can only produce recurring heat, when each of you has confidence in being heard and understood by the other.

Stir - Frequently, to keep the relationship fresh and adaptable to different forms over time. When you stir (never harsh enough to spill), subtle changes make the whole better.

Preserve - Keep cherishing the relationship and working at it, and it'll have the best chance of maturing through challenging conditions you can't control.

I'm a PhD student, don't make much money, but have big prospects for the future. My boyfriend of three years is also a PhD, with exceptional prospects, coming from a family of academics.

My family background is full of hard-working immigrants, with high hopes for me, and expectations of success and ultimate happiness.

My boyfriend and I started off shakily. I'd been in an abusive relationship, which left me hurt. I looked to him for comfort and stability, immediately wanting him to be "the one."

Only now is he starting to see the potential of us moving forward - to marriage, kids, etc.

He acknowledged that we'd have a very stable life together, but now I'm starting to have doubts. I'm stronger, happier with myself, and not sure I want to be in a relationship anymore.

Recently, I've seen men noticing me more, and my personal happiness reflects their interest. I've thought about ending my relationship but don't know how. I don't want to hurt anyone, or lose all the time and energy I invested.

But I might not be into it anymore. I'm not sure what my next step should be.

Uncertain Crossroads

Invest in knowing yourself better, before you commit to a long-term relationship. Initially, you wanted this man to fulfill your needs of the time. Had he responded similarly, you might already be married and getting restless.

However, you've grown into a confident woman with increased security of your own, and apparently healed from past hurts. This change in your maturity doesn't mean you should toss away the possibility of this man you once leaned on, being your equal partner.

But it does mean you both need a break - you, to assess what you really want and need now (beyond male attention of the moment). And your boyfriend, to find out if he wants to fight for you, when up till now, he had you openly waiting for him to desire a future together. You'll both know soon enough if you want to re-connect with a healthier dynamic.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer's "messed up family" with ongoing addictions to alcohol and drugs (Jan. 19):

Reader - "Talk about a multi-generational example of a family with FASD - Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder!

"You'll hate my saying that without a formal diagnosis but the whole case is screaming TIFF, or "Think It's FASD First." What a shame to suffer like that!

"Our federal government needs to make Canada's most common birth defect more recognizable a lot faster than they're doing. Especially since we're now spending billions of EXTRA dollars annually to ineffectively support Canadians with FASD - most of whom have other diagnoses."

Consultant in FASD

Thanks for your expertise, which may direct some people to further helpful information.

For me to suggest such a complex diagnosis, without knowledge of the writer's medical history, would be wrong. However, I urge people to seek medical opinions about health factors involved in mental or physical difficulties.