A year ago, my wife’s best friend and her husband split up, after she discovered he’d been having an affair with one of her other friends.
He then told her that he’d also been having an affair with my wife.
My wife denies this.
He said they’d meet a couple of times weekly, over two years, then it ended and he found girlfriend number #2.
His wife decided not to believe him, to maintain her friendship with my wife. But this leaves me in limbo.
I caught her a few years ago sext-ing another man. She denied that it meant anything, and ended contact with him.
But this is a whole new level of betrayal.
Because he gave no proof of the affair, everyone has to choose which one to believe.
But I still can’t get past this.
I don’t want to be with a lying cheater who disrespects me so much that they’ll just do what they want until they get caught, then try to lie their way out of it.
Once a cheater always a cheater?
Still Feeling Betrayed
It’s about your relationship, not this alleged affair. Your readiness to believe the worst serves as your “proof.”
And one incidence of a sexy text in a correspondence that she immediately ended, seals the case for you.
With a gossip circle taking sides, this is
understandably embarrassing to you.
Is that why you’re ready to pronounce her guilty without evidence?
I understand that if she’s truly “getting away with it,” then any suggestions from me that you and she could benefit from marital counselling, will be ignored.
But take a closer look at whatever issues had already existed between you, that make you so willing to distrust her?
As for, “Once a cheater …” the answer is No, not always.
Not when both partners are willing to explore (usually with help) the reasons why an infidelity happened, with each looking at their own contribution (distance, lack of intimacy, other priorities, whatever).
And not when the person who strayed is truly sorry and acknowledges their action.
That hasn’t happened in this case of accusations and suspicion.
So maybe your wife is actually innocent of this charge.
I’ve been dating this guy for over a year and yes, we’ve had our ups and downs, like most couples.
But recently I decided I needed a break, yet we were still living together and he was begging me to take him back.
I finally said Yes.
Now he’s moving three hours away and wants six months apart to see if I’m "the right one.”
But we’re going to be exclusive and I have to wait for him.
In my heart I want to think the best, but in my mind I know I should just move on.
Lost and Confused
He’s getting back at you for the “break” you imposed. Your set-up was confusing and hurtful – i.e. not “together” in spirit (and presumably not in intimacy) while still living together.
Now he wants the usual “time and space” distancing, but with his added no-dating control over you.
It’s a reverse power play – he gets to decide the future while you have to just hope and wait.
Take a real break this time. You both can date or not as you choose.
That way, you’ll both discover whether the relationship’s important enough for each of you to make some compromises and work it out, instead of each needing ways to escape.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “domineering” wife, who’s withdrawn from sex (Nov. 16):
Reader – “I know first-hand that this guy should cut his losses and leave. Now.
“Therapy isn't going to solve long-term problems that are never going to be addressed - she was more than happy to
have a sexless marriage with him.
“The only reason she wants therapy now, is because she wants to maintain control over her husband.
“Whether or not the guy's lover works out is irrelevant. Just like a woman, a man has every right to have his needs met, and his wife should've been the one to do that.
“But since she was selfish and failed to nurture her relationship, she only deserves to reap what she's sown.
“She lost him a long, long time ago.”
Ellie – The husband’s confessed about his lover, stopped seeing her, and still admires his wife.
Couples’ therapy can help them both, even if they split up.
Tip of the day:
Readiness to believe an affair without any evidence, is about the relationship, not the truth.