My girlfriend says she’s fed up with me letting my family get away with anything they ask of me.

I’ve never felt they’ve asked for something I can’t handle. I drive my two sisters to work in the mornings; I’m the only one who can afford a car. They’re getting ahead in their jobs and saving money.

I drive my mom after work and on days off – to her friends, shopping, and doctors’ appointments. I also take care of the house.

My girlfriend feels she comes last, but I call her every day, we go out every few weeks, and otherwise we hang out at my mom’s place. I’m saving money for our dream house in the future.

How do I convince her that I love her and am working towards when we can afford to marry? I’m 29; she’s 28.

Impossible Choice

You’re living like you’re still a teenager. You’re self-sufficient enough to be living on your own (or with her); the “dream house” can wait.

You don’t have to be rude or unkind to family. But you do have to create some privacy as a couple.

Your working sisters can mostly find transit on their own. Assign a regular time to help your mother with specific needs – e.g. grocery shopping. And everyone living there should be helping clean, doing laundry, etc.

Once you move, you’ll still respond to your family’s real needs. Your girlfriend has to understand and accept that commitment.

We’re in our 50s, living together for over five years. I have no kids; he has two children. Their mother’s extremely difficult and controlling of the kids, and tries to control him.

She’s constantly texting the kids. If they don't respond, she becomes agitated. Her home’s chaotic, filled with drama, while ours is quiet and peaceful.

We realize we can only control our reactions but his health is being adversely affected. The situation’s emotionally abusive to him and his kids, but my ability to be supportive is waning. He feels that setting boundaries against her would only make the kids’ life more difficult.

My relationship with his children is very good. Meanwhile, their mother repeatedly insults, embarrasses, and humiliates them.

It’s straining our relationship. He's a great father, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

I have limited contact with the mother now. I’ll no longer tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

Desperately Need Suggestions

Here’s the picture I see – A woman obsessed with bitterness and control; a man anguished about the toll on his children, yet terrified to inadvertently worsen it; and you, distraught about the impact on your most important relationship. It’s sadly a scene played out in a lot of families, where the kids – the so-called objects of the embittered person’s “concerns” - suffer the most.

You’re correct that you can only control your own reactions, not her behaviour. BUT, you can best learn effective ways to do so, and create a united approach that keeps you two bonded, through getting professional counselling.

Letting her drive you apart will harm everyone except this woman. The children desperately need your calm home, and your wise, supportive attitude.

Try every way possible to hang in, stay as remote from this woman as possible, and encourage your husband to go with you for help in handling this. It may be a way off still, but when those children get past high school, they’ll be able to start distancing from their oppressive mother, too.

I haven’t spoken to my sisters for 18 months. They took over moving my parents to a retirement home, screamed at them, and threw unfounded accusations.

Finding out about it caused a deep depression. I’d held back for years, about their negative personalities, and the men they brought into our lives – deadbeats, and alcoholics from one, and a bigoted loudmouth from the other.

When I learned what they’d done, I needed counselling, and got it. I understand better why my sisters are that way but I’m drained of empathy.

My emotional well being is my priority. I still feel guilty, though... about my parents being in the middle of all this.

Distanced from Siblings

Focusing on your well being is the right choice, but staying close to your parents is clearly also needed, for their sake and yours. Forget guilt and spend time boosting their comfort in their new situation.