For three years, I needed “off” breaks from my girlfriend’s lifestyle, with her three kids, working two jobs, and ex-husband problems. I’d feel out of control and unable to cope, so I’d break things off. 

Recently, she said she’s ready for a life-long commitment or needs to move on. After some soul-searching, I realized I love her deeply, and can accept her life. But she cannot believe me and is scared to death of being hurt again.

Now, we’re not even communicating. But I feel 100% sure I can give her a stable, loving relationship.

Is there any chance of her coming around?

- Regretful

She needs proof, not promises. Perhaps your soul-searching took too long; or your past flights were once too often. Accept this break as necessary, because it’s her call – she’s no longer willing to chance your moods. 

However, show that you intend to assure her of your changed attitude. Ask to stay in touch with the children so they develop trust that you won’t go in an out of their lives again. Try weekly emails or phone calls to ask them (not her) about what they’re doing in school, about their friends, etc.

Then, ask if you can take them out for short visits, on your own. Do NOT pursue her; just inquire how she’s getting on. Let six months of continued interest and caring imprint on her mind, and hopefully change the impressions you left before.

My girlfriends since childhood, now in their 30s, are divorced or still single, and bitter. I’m married with my own home so I don’t go to bars with them. We really have nothing in common. 

I tried to understand that I have a lot of what they’d wanted/expected. But recently, at my house for dinner, I found them talking quietly/rolling eyes and going silent when I appeared.

I don’t want to waste time with people who don’t realize they’re pushing an old friend away. But I want to tell them that their behaviour is hurtful, that they’re being very immature, and that’s why I haven’t been around lately.

- Annoyed

You’ve held off immediately zapping out that “back-at-you” email of anger and cutting remarks, so good for you. Now take the high road and just stay cool from the crowd for a while. You’ve nothing to lose since you don’t enjoy their get-togethers at this time. But leave the door ajar for the future. 

Old friendships have a way of taking on renewed significance during other life phases. These girlfriends are the ones who knew your family, who remember your first kiss, who helped you pass math. So keep some limited contact through birthdays, Christmas and other milestones.

Eventually, you’ll know when it’s right to reach out, or let the friendships lapse naturally.

I get along with and love my mother-in-law, but resent that I’m always the one making plans, so that our child has regular visits with his grandparents. 

My sister-in-law has the same problem with my MIL.

My husband’s upset by this situation but says that their mother has always been passive-aggressive. She also clearly displays obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

I’m so fed up that I’ve decided that I WILL NOT call her to make plans.

- Frustrated

This isn’t personal, she treats everyone the same way, and isn’t going to change. It’s up to you to look to your goal instead of control of her behaviour. You want the visits, love the woman so make the plans. Tell hubby and SIL to do the same.

I’m 25, very close with family, especially two cousins. 

One, 21, married a guy she barely knew for two weeks; three months later, she got pregnant. Her husband is very strange; he won’t talk to anyone in the family.

At 16, my cousin had a son who has cerebral palsy and needs a lot of attention. I’m scared she’ll forget about him. And scared she’ll stop talking to me if I say something about this!

- Lost Cousin

Beware of causing the very thing you fear, by creating anxiety your cousin is bound to feel – it’d surely turn her off. She knows you care for her, and she’d seek advice if she wanted it. 

Meanwhile, she’s a pregnant bride with a challenged son, and needs your support. Visit, bring a cooked meal, and pay attention to her older son - all ways to help out without stressing her with your judgments.