The man I’m set to spend my life with is kind, honest, hardworking - but has a serious problem controlling himself when drinking.
If it crosses the line, which is very easy, he blacks out. His friends and family mostly condone/ignore because he can be so charming, but I worry for the future.
One deal-breaking unacceptable night’s events have stained our relationship. It’s been hard to recover from, because when he drinks, I just cannot trust him.

He believes we can work through it (grow and build trust). But how, since - if wine features heavily in our lifestyle - my trust will be constantly in jeopardy?

Perplexed in Paris

“Working it through” is his way of making it your fault for not trusting him, when he drinks.

The serious problem here is his inability to control his drinking, not your natural response to distrust him at those times.

Re-set your plan to spend your life with him, UNTIL and UNLESS he comes to grips with his drinking problem.

Some people can handle alcohol and know when to stop. He’s shown otherwise.

Insist that he prove that he is working this out by going to an addiction therapist, and/or Alcoholics’ Anonymous, or by sustained proof that he’s drinking far less.

I'm a gay college student, early-20s, just finishing school. I still live at home, and am at a breaking point, emotionally.
I’m not out to my parents; the reaction may not be positive. Any dating is secret.

The two individuals I’ve dated left me feeling lost and insecure. I don't fit a stereotyped image of a gay man (put together, works out, has no flaws).

I feel somewhat rejected by other men, and it erodes my self-esteem.

I focus on qualities (good with kids, kind, respectful, gives back to the community), and I hear from friends that "this is too unrealistic for you."

I want to find "the one" but am also told that I can't think this way.

I feel that I can aspire to falling in love with an amazing partner, having a wonderful career, a family, and the support of my friends.

But it’s currently a struggle to get out of bed. I just want to run away to a new city, new country, instead of having to live in a "cookie-cutter" fashion (finish school, work, move out, etc.).

I’m blessed to have love from my family, but I need to move forward. Does all this make me a terrible person?

Tortured Mind

You’re not “terrible,” but you are young, confused, and on the brink of being depressed. You’re not alone, though. Countless people at the turning point of finishing school, feel similarly whether straight or gay.

But, not being “out” is making the worrying worse. You’re not true to yourself, so you grasp at dreams you can’t bring to fruition while still holding tight to your “secret.”

I urge you to talk to a counselor, accessible through student services. Also, if you live in a city with LGBTT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transvestite, Transsexual) resources, you’ll find counselors there, and support groups.

Running away will NOT resolve inner conflicts and self-esteem issues. Getting comfortable with who you are, is the immediate need.

Meanwhile, you’re talking to the wrong people who say what’s “unrealistic” for you. They don’t know.

Loving parents usually adjust and accept to learning a child is gay. There’s help for them through PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

My sister-in-law always invites us for Christmas dinner, as a tradition. Dinner’s always late.

Last year, she was still preparing dessert past 10:00pm. Is it rude to say ahead that I'll leave at a certain time whether dinner’s finished or not?

Tired Guest

There’s a better way to handle this. Offer to bring a special dessert. Homemade or bought, it must be a festive dessert to match her generous efforts.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose beloved pet goat died (Oct. 26):

Reader – “Her father-in-law went against her wishes. She was given no time to grieve. It's obvious that this family has been acting out like this for decades and she’s stuck right in the middle.

“I married into a family just like this. The only way to resolve this problem is for the husband to realize exactly how his family treats people.

“He and she must demonstrate that they’re the ones who "control" their own life together.”