My wife of 14 years and I haven’t had much sex in recent years – maybe three times monthly or less. I end up looking at porn sites all night.
She’s 50; I’m 37.
She’s very domineering, also has a better job and income than me.
She moved her parents into our house long ago. Her dad died, but her mother’s still with us.
While she visited her sister in Europe, I met this girl online. She’s 31, from the same culture.
We went for dinner twice, had a great connection, and had amazing sex twice.
When my wife returned, I felt guilty, confessed, and said I want to move out.
She keeps suggesting couples’ therapy, but I don’t really want it.
She’s a good wife with good qualities and always stands up for me.
But sex was really important for me and after what happened, I don’t think I love her anymore.
Now, she accepts things a little, we sleep in separate beds. I still feel guilty, depressed, and lonely.
I want to call this new girl but just thinking that I won’t see her kills me, even though I told her the truth as well.
Lonely and Guilty
You have solid reasons why you’re ready to move out, yet also see what’s good about the woman you married. It makes you feel stuck.
Yet, going for therapy might bring the solution you want.
First, it shows her respect, that you don’t just walk away.
Then, it gives her a chance to really hear how much the lack of sex, plus her domineering manner, affects you.
She might say she can change and even try, or she might not. Or, you two might agree to try a break apart.
Meanwhile, therapy can help you look at this new woman objectively. Sex with someone new is easily “amazing.”
But that doesn’t mean she’s also going to be a great partner long-term. So don’t rush into anything serious just to escape.
A couple of months of therapy will help you take charge of your life – thinking through your choices, coming to some plan with your wife, looking at the other woman with eyes wide open.
My boyfriend of ten months and I have known each other our whole lives and he's wonderful.
We live with my family because of finances. He recently lost his job and is trying to find another.
I borrow his car for work. Mine broke down and it seems everything else is falling apart.
I’m surrounded by people who make me laugh, but I feel so lonely.
He comforts me, tries to keep my mind busy because he can see I can't handle the stress and feel I'm at my wits end!
I want to cry everyday. I get upset when he doesn't cuddle me because I feel so needy. What’s wrong with me?
Stress from difficult circumstances that you can’t control, is not your fault.
But recognizing that you’re depressed and need a medical check for it, can turn your feeling of hopelessness around.
See your doctor, or go to a hospital clinic.
Medication and/or other treatment can help you recover your inner strength and optimism to deal with these setbacks.
Once you seek this available help to find the will (and even humour) to carry on, you’ll learn strategies needed to take care of yourself in future, too.
That’s what can turn you and your boyfriend into a determined team.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenager who’s having difficulty making friends (October 21):
Reader – “My heart goes out to her. I, too, went through a very difficult year when changing schools at the same age, with no new friends made for close to a year.
“I know from experience that a teen can go from adjusting well to being very unhappy within a short time.
“In my case, a teacher took interest and introduced me to some likeminded students.
“Since this girl’s withdrawn, but happy in other areas in her life, she really should think about seeing a counsellor.
“During this time for her, she’ll be learning to be self-reliant and strong.
“For me, I developed a few good friends after the teacher’s introduction, and then made many friends over the next years.
“It does seem like this girl needs something to build herself up and gain more confidence in herself.”
Ellie – A teacher’s help is a gift.
Tip of the day:
When a marriage is faltering, couples’ therapy can help both sides handle it better, with dignity.