I’m having trouble getting over my ex-boyfriend; we’d been friends for years before he confessed his feelings for me. But after several months of dating, he suddenly broke it off. I was shocked. 

We tried to be friends, but when we hung out, he’d end up saying he loved me; then he’d run. I finally told him to leave me alone. That was several months ago.

We’re not in contact anymore, and I miss my friend a lot. I still love him.

- Lovelorn

You’ve experienced a double whammy - losing both a close friend and the idea of love. I say “idea” because, when close friends become lovers, there’s often a too-early expectation that the relationship will be as deep and nourishing as the friendship; but it doesn’t always work that way. What felt like sexual attraction can turn out to have been deep caring instead, but not the wow! of chemistry and passion. 

In other words, you can still love each other, without being “in love.” Take the pressure off him: Tell him he doesn’t have to keep saying he loves you; the situation isn’t anyone’s fault. Then take a break from each other for several months. Date others.

Contact him again when you’ve stopped pining for something that never was. And see if you can return to what you really had, as great pals.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for several years, we’re both late-20’s, and he’s impotent. We have a physical relationship outside of intercourse. 

I’ve said I wouldn’t leave him, but want him to check, medically, whether there’s a bigger health problem, or a solution for impotence. He says he’s made several appointments with a doctor, then cancelled; then, he said he’s gone, but doesn’t have money for the prescription (he doesn’t have health insurance), but he won’t let me pay.

I’ve worried he’s not attracted to me, that he’s gay, etc. I’m tired of battling.

- Insight Please!

Whether it’s a problem medically, psychologically, or other, impotence is a couples’ issue, and your guy is turning it into a deal-breaker, despite your loyalty. His resistance is selfish, unfair, controlling, and immature. 

He holds the cards to your future happiness together, but he won’t deal any to you. However, blaming yourself (as in, “not attracted to me”) is the worst possible reaction. It blames you for the cause… which is NOT the case. And it also makes you insecure so you hold back on speaking up firmly.

Say this: He needs to go to the doctor WITH you, so you hear the same information. If treatment is possible, he either follows it (who pays for it is immaterial) or you break up. Anything else is just prolonging the battles, and an eventual, nastier break-up.

Our two sons are so different, that I worry how to deal with it. 

The older boy, 9, is a natural athlete. The younger one,7, avoids sports and is lazy about trying and improving.

Is there anything parents can do?

- Concerned

Stop pasting labels on these kids, as it only reinforces the sibling competition, and an imbalance of who’s successful who’s not. (Worse, this may easily be interpreted to extend to more than sports). 

Find the younger boy’s interests in general, plus anything he CAN do that can be called a sport… activities from bowling to kite-flying qualify, it doesn’t have to be a team sport, track and field, gymnastics, or at all related to whatever his brother does. He needs confidence, not comparisons.

I’ve recently relocated and took the first job – it’s high-stress. I wasn’t properly trained; my boss is unclear and demanding. He often makes me feel like I can’t even make the smallest, simplest decisions. My self-confidence is suffering. 

Under stress, I recently made a poor decision and two weeks later I’m still having trouble coming back from it. I’ve looked for another job, without luck. I have a university degree but no experience.

I feel trapped. I must work to pay my bills.

- Defeated

Pull up your spine, go see the boss, and say you want to do better, and need to learn from him. Operating under stress and fear is self-defeating, as much as anyone else’s fault. 

Ask questions, write down directions, and make no swift decisions when you’re unsure. Show that you want to make your boss’ job easier by being more proficient... he’ll appreciate and help you more.