Friends of ours split up after 11 years. The husband, “A,” had cheated on “B.”
We decided to remain friends with both.
“A” told us that he wouldn’t badmouth his ex to us.
I never told “B” that we still got together with him because I suspected she felt we should condemn him - even though she’d formerly cheated on her previous partner who was “A’s” friend.
She recently discovered that we’d gone out with “A” and his new girlfriend
When I admitted it, she was hurt. I apologized that I’d hurt her and not told her - I should’ve.
She said she never thought I’d lie to her or that we’d still be friends with him.
I got defensive: No, I didn’t lie and we didn't feel it was our duty to place judgement.
We haven’t talked in two weeks. So I texted that we couldn't be hypocrites and judge him for something which we previously hadn’t judged her.
I said it was now her decision whether to keep our friendship.
My husband and I enjoy getting together with “A” and his girlfriend as there’s no drama!
“B” now has a new man in her life whom we haven’t met.
Were we wrong to try not to choose? Is it also wrong that I secretly hope that she doesn't want to be friends anymore so I don't have to deal with the drama?
Fed Up Friend
She may be a drama queen but you’ve played a part, here. She was recently betrayed. You knew how she’d react.
That was the time for comforting her, not distancing. Later, by not telling her you’d be meeting the new girlfriend, you ended neutrality.
She feels betrayed by you too.
Apologize once again. Invite her and her boyfriend out with you and your husband, proving your “non-judgemental” position.
The friendship may not last. But better that be her choice, than you just running from it.
Recently my car broke down. I’m 23, and my dad’s a mechanic. He was the only person to come to my rescue.
My soon-to-be husband was upset that my car broke down. Dad took it to his shop and the car’s not worth fixing, nor safe. We have a toddler.
Dad suggested trading it, he’d pay the difference. He’s lent me his expensive SUV as I need a car for work.
My fiancé’s super upset, saying that I'm now my father’s “puppet” and he can do whatever he wants.
He thinks lending me his car is teaching me to neglect my own vehicle and get rewarded.
I know my Dad’s really trying to help.
Need to Know Who’s Right
You’re a mother and a bride-to-be, but you’re also a daughter whose dad has expertise with cars.
Your fiancé seems jealous of your dad’s ability to “rescue” you, and upset by your need for his help.
But it’s natural that he wants you and your family safe, and you able to get to work.
If your guy is as young as you, a little immaturity is understandable from both, as evidenced by your need to be “right.”
Hug your fiancé and tell him you’re both lucky to have a generous parent looking out for both of you since a safe car’s essential.
And his borrowed car does you both a favour - keeping you working to pay your share of the bills.
Assure your fiancé that No, your father can’t do “anything he wants.”
Then choose your next car together.
FEEDBACK Regarding a writer’s comments about her “step-daughter-in-law” (November 4):
Reader – “I, too, refer to my step-son’s wife as my "step" daughter-in-law.
“My husband of 37 years has always referred to his two sons (ages 43 and 41), as "his."
“Now "he" has three grandchildren. All of them call me Jean. I was okay with this with the sons, but now, with the little "grandkids" (ages three, five, and eight), I have other feelings that I find difficult to explain, especially to my husband.
“He asks, "what's wrong with being "Jean"?
“So, yes, I feel that I have stepsons, a step-daughter-in-law and step-grandchildren. My relationship with all is good, but I feel I'm missing something.
What's your take?
It’s the behaviour of the family members that matters.
If you’re loving with those children and they, their parents AND your husband, are warm and appreciative of you, “Jean” is fine.
Tip of the day:
If a friend’s “dramatic” be extra thoughtful during their worst stress.