My sister, 25, lives in the basement with her fiancé, joining another sister-plus-partner, my parents, all in their overcrowded house, and me.

This eldest sister and fiancé finished school a year ago. She works a minimum wage job but he doesn't work or pay rent. He just stays in the basement, freeloading. They don't help out, not even putting away dishes, and take advantage of my parents’ food, Internet, hydro, etc.

Whenever my parents try to discuss their helping out, the couple become “victims,” and stay in the basement angry.

My parents are scared to say more because they don't want to lose contact with their daughter.

There’s much tension between the fiancé and me. Our conversations are very terse. I try to be civil but he talks down at me and avoids me whenever possible (difficult).

He picks fights with me. I also work a minimum wage job and can't afford to move out while I’m still in school.

At My Limit

Your parents are making a long-ranging mistake by encouraging this guy’s freeloading. Insisting he help out to pay his keep may distance your sister temporarily, but could also get her to see that she’s hanging onto a loser.

You can tell your parents this, but you can’t force them to do anything, nor try to do it for them. You could also point out that the overcrowding and tension is unhealthy for them.

They should consider speaking to someone they feel is wise and trusted among their friends/community, to come up with a practical solution to the problem. And what of the fiancé’s own family? Your parents should talk to them about his burrowing in the basement and doing nothing to get ahead on his own.

Meanwhile, stay as uninvolved as possible with this guy… don’t antagonize him, or respond to his “talking down.” He knows you see through him, and he may escalate the tension in the house because of this.

Instead, focus on your education and working part-time as these are your tickets to future independence.

A student of mine recently expressed concern about the two young children of his female cousin who’s a well-educated, well-off professional.

He said his cousin loudly praises the "good-looking" one, and ignores the other or denies that he has special needs. Consequently, this little boy isn’t getting needed treatment.

My student described the whole household as chaotic - the house is always filthy, and his cousin is an attention-seeker who throws temper tantrums.

But his aunt, the woman’s mother, is afraid to say anything, fearing she’ll not be allowed to see the children.

I urged him to stay involved in the children's lives, as a great, caring cousin. I know that people in authority, like me, are responsible for reporting suspected child abuse, but I don't actually know the cousin’s name and am not even sure if this constitutes child abuse, though it certainly sounds like it to me.

Worried

The law in many jurisdictions including yours (Ontario) is clear and I repeat it for all readers, as I’ve done before: Anyone who suspects or witnesses child abuse has a mandatory duty to report it.

Despite your not knowing the cousin’s name, this young man does know and has seen emotional abuse that worries him. He can report anonymously (as can anyone), and should give some examples. Child welfare authorities will examine the situation.

It’ll hopefully create a wake-up call for this self-absorbed mother to deal more equitably with her children.

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who continually bad-mouths his wife (May 29):

Reader – “I, too, was married to a man who verbally abused me and my children. When it escalated into physical abuse, I left him, taking the children, hoping he’d realize what he’d lose if he didn’t get help.

“Instead, he was furious. He hired a lawyer who employed illegal, fraudulent, unethical tactics and abuses of the legal system to "win" at all costs. This lawyer knew just what to do/say to get the Family Court to enable him.

“Many years later, I’m still paying the price of the trauma they both inflicted on me and my now-adult children.

“I urge "Devastated" to seek help from a very qualified mental health professional with experience dealing with personality disorders, to know her legal rights, and to call the police every time she feels threatened so that there’s a record of the abuse.”