My boyfriend and I fight a lot. We went to counselling, he was told to go to anger management. He dropped out after two times.

We love each other but after three years of constant battles, I’m done. He says I’m crazy, we’ve got a great sex life, and have a lot of fun together when not fighting. Should we break up?

Tired of Fighting

Break up long enough for him to stay with anger management until he’s learned healthy strategies to avoid it. BUT, if he drops out again, recognize that the relationship’s potentially dangerous.

Victims of violence will attest that the sex and fun get less and less frequent as the angry outbursts increase… which they usually do, even to the point of physical abuse.

Only if you show firmly now, that a life of battles is unacceptable, he’s a bad risk.

How do I tell my mother-in law and husband that it’s time for them to cut the cord, without offending them?

We’ve always had to call her when we get home after visiting, or else she’ll WORRY. Now, since my father-in law passed away two years ago, she calls incessantly, even during dinner, complains about NOTHING but neither of us want to hurt her feelings.

I’ve suggested grief counselling, but it’s getting worse. She won’t drive more than 15km from her house and won’t visit her friends anymore unless they come to her. I’ve forwarded her articles about local support groups or activities she could do around her home, but she ignores it.

Why would she, when her son is right there every minute of the day? How can I tell her to cut the cord and tell my husband it’s not his responsibility to be her “hero” at her beck and call every minute of the day?

Ready with Scissors

Forget your “cord” image, it’s offensive. You don’t want to hurt this woman so she’s obviously a person you like but who’s become more protective as well as a great deal lonelier and nervous since her husband died.

Yes, grief counselling, support groups, and local activities all could help, but since she’s having trouble acting independently, she’s showing you the need for you to help by going with her at least the first time.

She turns to your husband because that’s natural - he’s her son. But if you help connect her to others, even drive her to meet her friends somewhere, she’d have less need to lean on him.

Being alone after a long marriage isn’t easy. Give her time, and a hand out the door.

I'm writing a fictional romance about Olivia living with her aunt, a syndicated "Dear Ruth" advice columnist. Olivia helps Ruth respond to reader inquiries.

Does Ruth need permission for Olivia to respond? Who would give the go-ahead… does Ruth have an editor or boss?

Florida Writer

I’m responding (not Olivia), because other readers have also been curious about “how it all works.”

I read and answer all the questions myself. I do have a professional assistant. She checks for grammar issues and ease of understanding. She also researches resources that can help me with specific queries.

At each newspaper where the column’s published, an editor reads it for those same checks and writes a headline.

I doubt that any columnist’s “boss” would be happy if the answers were being secretly “outsourced.”

Most readers seek a specific advice columnist’s “voice” which defines their brand…. mine is “Ellie,” and that’s me.

My longtime friend moved overseas five years ago. Unfortunately, when she visits back here, her husband is very hard to take.

We’re all late-60s. However, his every conversation is now about aging and health issues. As if the rest of us aren’t also aging, but we’re not always complaining!

My husband and I book a hotel if we travel there. But they always ask to stay with us. How do I say No?

Awkward

Say, “Sorry, it’s not possible.” If she presses for reasons, say that you and your husband can no longer handle houseguests; it’s too tiring at this age.

Next, suggest she either ask a relative or you can help find her an affordable hotel. Arrange ahead for having some time together alone with her.

And to avoid seeming rude, invite them to a dinner at your place along with other couples, which’ll dilute his impact on you.