I broke up with my boyfriend of a year following a fight – he stormed away declaring he was moving out. This is the third time he threatened to leave, following or during a fight.

I finally got fed up with the shouting and said I was going to my friend's house and only return when he was gone. I left.

He called me twenty minutes later, apologized, and said I should come home so we can talk.

I refused and insisted he leave. It’s been a month since the split and we still chat. These conversations have turned toward getting back together.

My mother says I should give him another chance, as we’ve talked about engagement. But his repeated threats to leave feel like emotional blackmail.

Am I finally smarter than my mother on this one?

Having Doubts

Not smart enough, yet. BOTH of you need to learn how to fight fair.

He threatens because you both keep up a fight, so it’s his only (albeit wrong) way to stop. If you’re going to have a life together, you need to stop attacking a disagreement with seeing who can yell loudest and longest.

If it’s a tough issue, agree to disagree and cool off awhile. Then each talks about (in normal voice levels) why you feel strongly about it. Sounds impossible? You do it every day in the workplace, and with friends.

Once feelings on both sides are heard and understood, find compromises. If it’s too difficult, go for couples’ counselling. Do NOT get engaged until you see if this is workable between you.

After 35 years and failed attempts to leave, seven months ago I finally got legally separated. It’d always been an emotionally abusive relationship. He controlled everything, including the children.

We tried marriage counseling, but after two sessions he’d claim I’m the one with problems and he’s perfect.

My children are 31, 29, and 24, well educated, but living at home, dependent financially on him. They work occasionally, and he pays all bills. I worked for 35 years and he controlled my salary, too.

My children don’t want to see me. They’ve been manipulated and spoiled by him their entire life. They’ve said they won’t talk to me until I call the lawyers off. He’s always confided/shared our personal issues with them.

I’ve tried repeatedly to get together with them, used text, phone, etc., to say I didn’t also leave them. They’ve sent me an awful email, swearing, belittling me, etc. They’re very immature and angry. They refuse to go for family counselling until I apologize for leaving.

I’m getting professional help, but find it so hard to not contact my children.

Rejected Mother

They’re spoiled, immature dependents, and unfortunately you’d long accepted their lifestyle (and yours). They won’t turn against the hand that feeds them until, perhaps, they’re one day on their own. The reality is, their loyalties lie with him.

You finally saved yourself, and while it’s terrible to be cut off, you clearly had a desperate need for emotional sanity.

Let each one know you love and miss them, but you understand their current position. Say you hope one day they’ll become independent adults, who’ll lead their own lives, and decide things for themselves. Say you’re always available if they care to reach you.

Meanwhile, stick with your therapy, and send messages monthly to each, saying you’re hoping their school/work is going well… just enough to show interest in them, rather than seeking contact for your own sake.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose wife gave up on sex in her 40s (April 9):

Reader – “Similar story: I’d like to have regular sex, but my wife has little or no interest. When we do make love, I believe she enjoys it. But she can't explain her lack of interest, won't see a doctor, nor consider hormonal therapy, though this withdrawal started with menopause.

“When we discuss this, she’ll try, start to have an acceptable sexual relationship, but then things start to slip.

“I love her and would never consider leaving or cheating, but I can't maintain a roller-coaster sex life.”

Separate Beds?

Next discussion: Ask her what “in sickness and health” meant to her vows. There are other, non-medical approaches to menopause issues that she can at least explore (natural remedies, creams for lubrication, etc.).

Lowered libido doesn’t mean she can’t make a mental effort, use visual stimulation and sex manuals for turn-on, etc.